The stripes. Those furry ears. And it had the sweetest eyes.
How c-u-t-e!
At my university job, I was put in charge of tidying up the back office space earlier in the week. One of my tasks was to consolidate last year's lost-and-found collection. A lot of it will be weeded out and discarded and the rest hopefully donated. Among the earmuffs and scarves and jackets, was this little guy.....
A sky blue pillow with a plush tiger sewn in! I couldn't risk it getting thrown away so I took it home and washed it for my own. But then I remembered one of the managers at the crafts store I also work at had a baby boy just before the start of the new year. So I ended up giving the pillow to her so she could give it to her son. And least now the pillow has a life again in a new home. Hooray for happy endings!
It was gray out. Chilled winds played with my hair while misting rain caressed my face. I closed my eyes and pretended I was in Seattle...but I wasn't. The weather finally turned to my favor this past Friday here in Chicago. It was a total grey day. It made me think of my times visiting Seattle and sadly realizing I'm starting to forget. Myrtle Edwards Park, Queen Anne, Taco Time, Mount Rainier, Capitol Hill, Marché. I miss all of it. Walking under Highway 99 in the rain. Construction crews with their noisy machinery nearby. I cried at that spot because it was all so lovely. I remember that...in pieces. Even though the memories are fading, I do know I felt free and happy there--things I'm not in Chicago. As the heat and humidity and summer sun are on their way in the Windy City, I want to be anywhere but here. One day you'll have the life and relationship and career you want, Dean. Just not right now. Just be patient and don't forget.
"Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday, dear Dean. Happy Birthday to you." I turn 34 today. Thankfully the day was over before I knew it, as I don't celebrate my birthdays. It's a rather sad and disappointing time when I turn another year older but still still not where I want to be in life. At least I only had to work one job today so I got to sleep in this morning. Thank God, I needed the rest. All in all, today was uneventful and nothing special...just another day.
Lifen. The physical, mental, and spiritual experiences that constitute existence. I used to be an artist named Dean Grey. Now I've tucked him away. Sometimes life gets in the way of our dreams and this is one of those times. Most days it feels like I just go through the motions--like there's this disconnect looming over me. Or maybe it's just art withdrawal symptoms. I've been taking on more hours at both of my jobs lately, which leaves little room for anything else. The last time I drew or painted was back in January...almost four months ago. Much too long, especially when over a decade ago, I used to draw and paint on a daily basis. But on the bright side, I met someone. We've been quietly dating for two months and we're taking things slowly. What little free time I do have has been spent with him. And while I'm thankful to have him and be working, I'm hoping one day life will be in sync with my creative endeavors again. One day Dean Grey will return...I just don't think it'll be anytime soon.
It's simple and neutral in color yet crafted with care. A chocolate-colored work of art! One of my coworkers recently made me a scarf out of the blue. This'll be the third one I've received so far by someone at work.
What do you think?
Even though spring is officially here, it's been chilly enough for me to wear it out a few times. How kind to spend her free-time making this for me. Knit-wear RULES!! Thank you, Mae! It's lovely!!
The last I heard from him was a voicemail about 1 1/2 years ago. I never expected the next time we'd meet he'd be in a coffin. Less than a week ago, I found out a former coworker died in a car crash by a drunken driver who drove into oncoming traffic. When I saw the newspaper article I wasn't sure it was the same person I once knew but after piecing together all the info I confirmed it was him. I felt flustered and distracted by the news and couldn't focus on anything else. I've lost many family members to illness and disease and old age but this is the first time someone I've known died so tragically and so young. He was only 27. What was the point of him living at all then if his chance at life was cut short? It just doesn't make sense. He worked with me briefly at my old city job about five years ago before he found another position elsewhere. We stayed in touch for about two-or-so years after that. I remember him being very social, driven, and having a zest for life. But we were casual friends. I think I was too straight-laced for him at that time as he was very much into the typical gay scene and I wasn't. Eventually it felt like a one-sided friendship and I moved on. During the memorial service last Thursday, there was a slideshow of pictures from the past few years. My, how many people he knew and met in such a short time. "He had a lot of friends," his mom told me. I felt compelled to attend the wake to not only pay my respects to his family but to also apologize to him for not staying in touch. And perhaps a part of me needed to see the body to make sure the tragedy was true. It had been such a long, emotionally draining week for everyone involved. It's still hard to believe he's gone. But as I said to his mom when I gave her a hug, "He's still here. Just in another way." I do believe that and hope he saw me there that day. Rest in peace, Fabian. My heart aches and I will miss you.....
I'm not Irish but it was a good excuse to wear my favorite color...green! Last month, I showed you what I wore at work for Valentine's Day. This is what I began wearing at the arts-and-crafts store immediately afterwards.
Top o' the mornin' to ya!
Shamrock chains, a custom-made bow (by me!), and a green flower are just some of the things adorning my lanyard. I also added jingle bells leftover from Christmas so customers would hear me a mile away as I walked through the aisles. Ten years ago I'd never have done anything like this. At that time in my life I'd always try to hide and not attract attention. With that said, I still have anxiety when put in social settings and around large crowds. Perhaps in the 2+ years I've been working at the crafts store, I've become comfortable and feel safe to be who I am there. Now I'm wondering what I'll wear once today is over with. After Easter the only real holiday coming up is the 4th of July. I'm sure I'll think of something though. Happy St. Patrick's Day, everyone!!
Imagine you're about to be handed something special but it's snatched away before you even have the chance to grasp it. It feels like that. I finally heard back from the department I interviewed with last month in Seattle. I didn't get the job. How very disappointing. I thought for sure this was going to be the one to get me in. I'll of course keep trying and applying to new openings but if I couldn't even get an entry-level position that had four slots available, what are my chances of getting anything else? Did I not answer their questions fully enough? Was I over-qualified? Or maybe they didn't think I was a good fit. I can analyze it all day but that still won't change the outcome. I so want to be done with Chicago. With the crafts store. Living with family. The sadness. No, I guess God wants me to suffer a little longer.
The arts and crafts store I work at had a field trip last week where grade-schoolers were shown around the sales floor. It was meant to be a learning experience for the students as they explored various shapes, textures, and colors in each aisle. At the end, they had to do a self-portrait incorporating what they saw. When the group was gone, one little girl's drawing was left behind.....
Marker on paper - 9" x 12" (NFS)
Normally kid's art has so much blank space but this portrait filled the ENTIRE paper. The bold colors also caught my attention. She looks like she has the measles or some other skin condition but at least she's happy about it! I didn't want to throw it out, so I hung the drawing in my little office space at work to liven things up. Will she outgrow the urge to draw and color as children so often do? Maybe she'll become a famous artist one day and I'll have one of her first works of art!
From the piers I could smell the saltwater. Choppy waves crashed into wooden pylons as voluminous clouds overtook the sky. Behind me was the city and in front of me were the Olympic Mountains in the far distance. While taking in such breathtaking views, I could see myself living here.....
This past weekend I returned from my latest trip to Seattle. The interview went quite well and it sounded like there was opportunity for growth and advancement within that city department. Something I haven't found at my present jobs in Chicago. The rest of my time was spent with a couple friends I made from previous trips. Moving so far away is such a major step though. What if it's not the right thing to do? What if I no longer like Seattle once I'm working and paying bills there? What if it doesn't work out? When I asked one of my Seattle friends this, he simply replied, "You won't know until you try." I believe that too. Otherwise I'll always wonder what if. So if I'm offered the job in the coming weeks, I must take it. I've come this far and need to see it through!
If I go back once again it's like I learned nothing
I'm standing at the front of a queue
Heading for trouble
Hope it changes
Hope my life changes
Gets alright somehow
Oh I'm waiting for tomorrow
I hope it changes
Can't just stay the same
Been out of luck for so long
And don't I get much so there's nothing much to lose."
I think I'd kill myself if I stayed here much longer. Ever since returning from my trips out there, Chicago just doesn't look the same to me. It's not, well, Seattle. I feel like I've outgrown my home city and need to experience elsewhere. New opportunities. New people. A new life. A better life. A chance to be free...and happy. I was contacted yet again by that same Seattle city department as last time and will be going on a job interview this Friday. It's an entry-level position but it might be my only way of getting in there. I fly out for four days, my flight leaving later this morning. It's been 2 1/2 months since I was there last. There's this fear and anxiety and excitement in me. And I'm worried the feelings for Seattle won't be there like they have in the past. Only one way to find out. This could change EVERYTHING.
"It's like a record going round
Yes, it's going round, going round, going round
I know I should wanna take it off
But I find hard, why do I find it hard?
I used to have a vision
I was sitting somewhere up there
Looking down on myself
Doing right for once in my life
It changes
Hope my life changes
Gets alright somehow
Oh I'm waiting for tomorrow
I hope it changes
Can't just stay the same
Been out of luck for so long
And I don't get much so there's nothing much to lose."
It started out as something simple but ended up representing so much more. After Christmas was over, the lanyard I wore for work seemed bare...devoid of all its festive ornamentation. In the weeks that followed, I used the Valentine's Day ribbon we sell at the crafts store and made a bow to add to my name badge. From there came a red clip-on flower. A few days later, a glittered heart became part of the ensemble. Then another clip-on flower. Metallic heart chains too. Why not! By the time February hit, I was fully adorned with heart-themed things. It was a bit jangly and cumbersome yet fun to wear!
My lanyard I wear everyday at work!
Customers would give me odd looks followed by smiles. "I'm celebrating love in all its forms," I'd tell them. And it went so well that I started wearing the red and pink bow all this week at my university job. I even bought my student workers heart chains to wear at the front desk so I wouldn't look like the odd man out. Female students complimented my bow right away and I told them it's in honor of Valentine's Day. "I'm an ambassador of love!" I declared. That one day it would find me. One day, Dean..... Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!! Let's ALL be ambassadors of love!
There was tension in their voices. They were arguing...and planning something. They had to be in their early 20's and it sounded like they were running away. That's what transpired during my train ride into the city for work the other day. The young man with his slicked-back hair was talking rather rough with her. Her name was Erica, I overheard. She sounded frustrated and upset and her boyfriend was trying to convince her it will all work out. To reassure and protect her. "We have to plan this out right," he said. I was sitting a seat behind and across from them so I could only hear bits and pieces of their exchange but it sounded daring and passionate.
I secretly snapped this picture of them.
Now I could be totally wrong and may have misheard their conversation through the noisy commute but the thought of leaving everything behind for love is exciting. To have a wonderful man whisk me away and escape this dull, lonely life of mine. This prison I'm in. "Don't you want to come back and visit here (referring to Chicago)?" he asked. She shook her head no. I could identify with Erica but know she'll be all right because she has someone to hold her hand and love along the way. Who knows what will become of them but I wish that young couple luck. May they find better days ahead.
I braved the biting cold to see it. To escape in the water's blue eyes for a bit. But when I arrived early yesterday morning, most of the lakefront had turned to ice from our recent cold blast. I was greeted with this warm glow of the rising sun casting down on the gray-blue surface.
The frozen expanse creaked and slowly heaved up and down...like a scream being held in. The water underneath alive and bursting to get out. To be free again. *sigh*
Near the water's edge, huge ice shards shifted, clumsily crunching into each other. No real direction. Just wherever the waves would take them. And when I could no longer feel my fingers, I put my camera away and just took it all in. As I departed for work, I thanked God for letting me see it and have the lake all to myself...for not a soul was there but I. Ah, a beautiful kind of loneliness.
My God, four years already. Looking back, so much has changed and yet so much hasn't. I'm working both jobs today but wanted to take a moment to acknowledge that my blog turns four today.
I'm so grateful to have a place to express all that needs expressing and to connect with all of you. You are just as much a part of it as I am. So thank you, and... Happy Birthday/Anniversary, Exploding Doughnut!!
I've been feeling a bit "pudgy" lately and wanted to incorporate more exercise into my daily routine. So instead of getting off my usual train stop, I chose the next one which would tack on about 15 extra minutes to work. I'd get to walk along the lakefront and burn calories at the same time. Well I still had time to kill before working at the crafts store and stopped in at Jewel...and bought a layered cake. A red velvet cake to be exact! Usually store-bought desserts are never as good as homemade but that wasn't the case this time. The cream cheese frosting was just the right ratio of tangy and sweet. The cake itself was moist and rich with a hint of chocolate. And of course, was its signature red. A deep, dark, sensual red.
Mmmmhmmm.....
It must've been made with the blood of a god because it was heavenly. Who knew exercising could be so delicious! Best. Workout. Ever!
There was this excitement in the air at work. Anticipation at the newest arrival to the arts-and-crafts store. A baby boy! One of the managers that joined our team this past summer showed up already several months pregnant. We've watched her slowly grow in size over the months, her walk eventually becoming a waddle. Little baby kicks became noticeable pains that stopped her in her tracks...and made the rest of us nervous. How was she feeling? Did she have the baby yet? Is she having the baby now?! were all things we'd ask each other. Everyone wondered what would happen if she had the baby at the store (she was determined to work up till the very end of her pregnancy). Visions of her sprawled out in the scrapbooking section came to mind, biting through contractions as embossing powder and stamp pads flanked her sides. What a tale that would be to tell! I'm happy to report she had her baby late last month (not at work--whew!). To celebrate this monumental event, I made her a little card.
Watercolors and acrylic on watercolor paper - 3 1/2" x 4 3/4" (NFS)
I tried to bombard the painting with as many types of blue as possible...and some purple on the wingtips for added interest. Just a little something to send her in the mail until she returns from maternity leave. Congrats on your little one, Jen! May he bring you much joy!!
As soon as December 26th hit, our store's playlist changed for the coming Valentine's Day. Goodbye Christmas music, hello never-ending love songs! *sigh* They've been playing this Whitney Houston classic a lot at work. Whenever it comes on the speakers, I find a remote spot in the store and lightly twirl--dancing with myself--welling up just enough to make my eyes glisten. But for my version, imagine the lyrics being sung slower and softer, with a hint of sadness. Such a lonely life I lead, immersed in work--and my art when there's time. Maybe that's all I'll have. I keep telling myself one day that'll change but a part of me no longer believes. Deep down I can't deny something is missing. The yearning won't let me. I feel so emotional and alone right now. That's because you are, Dean. Ah, to have a wonderful man's embrace. To be near him...with somebody who loves me.
They never knew what hit them. Their whiskered, photocopied faces were my canvas to run wild with. And besides, what cat doesn't look better with glasses and a beard? Early last year I showed you my "embellished" cat calendar from work. With the new year upon us that can mean only one thing. Another calendar with decorated cats has been completed! Here are some highlights from the past twelve months:
The troublemaker.
The nerd.
The vixen.
Best friends fur-ever!
Straight up chilln'.
Sexy times.....
Such joy this brings me during those taxing days at the crafts store. Who knew playing with Sharpies could be so amusing! Care to guess the name of the calendar currently hanging in my office space at work? "Curious Kittens 2013". *naughty grin*
I couldn't help but look at all I went through while organizing this blogpost. Losing love at the beginning of the year, growing closer with my coworkers at the crafts store, and of course, starting my love affair with Seattle. Who knows what the new year will bring but I do hope it'll be AMAZING for everyone! See you all next year!!
I am many things but not all of them are good.
Artist by trade, writer at heart, anti-social butterfly by choice, and baker for fun.
"Suffering Sappho!" is all about my passion for comic books and "Exploding Doughnut" represents working uninspired jobs while creating a career in art (read my first posts for full details!).
Thanks to everyone that stops by to see and read what I've posted.
Feel free to comment and/or e-mail me.
Enjoy!
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