Wordless Wednesday - Foggy Day in Chicago!!

"Crumbling"

Watercolor with gouache on watercolor paper - 6" x 6"

Available for purchase. Click to bid.

Crumbling v. 1. Breaking into small fragments. 2. Disintegrating gradually.

It just spoke to me, I guess, so I picked it off the cold ground and took it home. Fallen, mottled, already spent. An autumn leaf that was damaged and unwanted. I could identify with that.

In past years I used to paint fall leaves with overly intense colors and made sure they were perfectly formed. But now it seems I'm drawn to how things really are, flaws and all, rather than seeking out an ideal.

Faded colors, brittle edges, cracks, and holes. I wanted to capture a grittier portrayal.

How many can honestly say they see the beauty in the ugliness? Who actively looks for something flawed, scarred, and worthless?

I wonder if I'll meet someone that can accept my faults, my imperfections, my "issues". After all, who wants a shattered soul that's so clearly damaged and fragile?

Perhaps that's too much to ask of anyone.

Or maybe like withered fall leaves, they'll just continue to pass me by as I lay fallen, unwanted....crumbling.

Sleeping the day away.....

I've been thinking about dying lately. Hoping it would come for me soon.

These past couple weeks have been quite hard. Feeling worn out, extremely depressed, emotional, lonely, spiritless.

Though I'm constantly surrounded by family members, I don't feel close to them, or rather, I feel "detached" from them. And the few friends I have, I haven't heard from in a while.

It's not easy going through difficult periods in life all by yourself. I keep bracing myself, trying to remember that I've gone it alone before and I know I can trudge along and do it again. A loner I was bred and a loner I shall always be!

Most of the time I'm just so tired of everything, I try sleeping the day away. Pity I have to wake up and feel like this all over again.

When I'm not helping my aunt and uncle, lately my free days consist of sleeping, getting up to eat something, then lying back down to rest. My time is so limited as it is, that not much artwork gets done when I'm in bed all day.

How ironic that my uncle is struggling right now, wanting to live and I'm struggling right now, wanting to die.

I lay my head into the softness of the pillow, shut my tear-filled eyes, and escape from the rest of the world for a little while. Praying tomorrow I'll feel better. Disappointed when I end up feeling worse.

How I wish I had a strong shoulder to cry on. A willing ear to whisper my fears to. Someone to go to bed with.

For now, rest will be my comfort from the cruelty of existence. Ahhhh....let reality slip through relaxed fingers and the pain run down my sheets once more as I start sleeping the day away.

Wordless Wednesday - Fall in Chicago.....

"It's just not going to work out."

That was what the office manager said to me on the phone, just days after my interview with her last week.

God knows I have low self-esteem but when someone else doesn't believe in me, well, it doesn't help any. It was discouraging when she told me all the reasons I wasn't qualified for the position, focusing on what I didn't know rather than what I could do.

It left me feeling disappointed, deflated, and down.

*long, deep sigh*

The experience leading up to the bad news was nice though. I took the train into the city and felt so free upon arrival....like coming home! I'd forgotten how much I miss wandering around the Loop.

On the El were professionals going to work and students off to class. People who had real lives and were going somewhere. In that moment, all dressed up for the interview, I felt like fit in with them. I felt normal for a little while.

I got my hopes up....again....and had to mourn the loss of what could be. That job would've allowed me to rent a small apartment somewhere nice and live a more independent life. A chance to change things for myself. Now I'm back at square one. Still unemployed and on unemployment.

When I told a former coworker that I didn't get the job he said, "When you get knocked down, you stand up, dust yourself off and try again."

Yes, I do believe in that but I've fallen so many times, it's becoming harder and harder to rebound. Sometimes I just want to stay down and give up trying altogether.

Things aren't going in the direction I want. Will they ever? At times I no longer think so. Maybe all of it is true.....it's just not going to work out.

"Day of the Dead skull" ACEO

Watercolor and ink on watercolor paper - 2 1/2" x 3 1/2" (SOLD)

Start eating your sugar skulls and assemble your ofrendas! It's time to celebrate el Día de los Muertos also known as the Day of the Dead! Tan emocionante!!

This Mexican holiday occurs on November 1st and 2nd, when the dead are honored and remembered.

Inspired by this festive event, I created this Day of the Dead skull!

Skulls are said to represent death and rebirth while butterflies symbolize the souls of the deceased.

I wanted a design and color scheme that just pops!

There's something so eye-catching about Mexican Art that draws me in. So full of life and color and tradition. Maybe I was a Mexican girl in another life. That would explain everything!!

Here's to hoping everyone has a maravilloso time....both the living and the deceased!

Martha....you've got mail!!

In my previous post I mentioned receiving a piece of mail art by fellow artist, Martha Miller.

Following "Mail Art Etiquette" I created something in return!

Here's my mail art to Martha!

I wanted to create something special, eye-catching, and unique!

Still new to the whole mail art scene, I wasn't quite sure what could and could not be mailed. So I decided to stick with a traditional envelope (6" x 9") which I illustrated. Afraid paint would come off too easily, I decided to use waterproof black ink instead.

Here's the back.....

It features a series of phrases written over and over. They read, "Run free. Tears blowing in the wind. Run free. Shine brightly and run free!"

I'm so terrified this is going to get lost in the mail! Or worse yet, some postal employee will just keep it for themselves! Oh, that would make me sooooooo mad!!!

This experience has opened me up to a whole new world! Who knew something so simple as exchanging decorated pieces of mail could be so fun and invigorating?

Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!!

I've got mail!!

It never hurts to ask, right?

Last month, the fabulous Martha Miller posted some mail art on her blog. So I simply asked how I could get one.

We exchanged addresses and look what came in the mail earlier this week. Mail art from Martha Miller!

Ooooooooooooohhhh!!

This is SO unusual looking!

Very quirky and fun and unexpected! I love the silhouette of the woman's profile. I'm surprised this was even able to be mailed! It measures roughly 10" x 7" and appears to be layers of bound paper.

The front features ribbon and stitching underneath several images. On the cat's forehead it reads, "May I be filled with loving kindness. May I be well. May I be peaceful and at ease. May I be happy."

Here's the back of the piece.....

More stitching with a female nude. The side reads, "Just remember....the darkest hour is always just before the dawn....breathe...."

This is just what I needed! It was a little pick me up and a bit of joy that came in my mailbox!

Following "mail art etiquette", I now have to create a piece to send to Martha! I sure hope I don't disappoint!

Thank you, Martha, for my very first piece of mail art EVER!!

It's only a matter of time.....

Gray clouds, big as ships, sailed through the sky. Every now and then a light rain would dot the ground. And determined winds, with chilled enthusiasm, tried to force changing leaves from their homes....albeit too soon.

This was the scene from the front window today.

The desire to draw and paint comes and goes but it is assuredly always brief. Those creative impulses grow more and more infrequent it seems.

What will I do if they cease altogether?

If I didn't have my art and my writing I would shrivel up and die. A slow death that would eat away at my already fragile core.

At this point, I'm too worn out too cry. Good....I'm sick of crying.

Puddles have formed on the uneven sidewalk while overhead the sun tried to emerge. I smiled when the clouds overtook it and swallowed the sunlight whole.

I think I've doomed myself. No job. No real life. I've never achieved any of the goals I set for myself years ago and quite honestly could case less. I feel like I ran out of options.

Each week that passes I feel more and more like a failure. A day older....I'm falling behind that much more. What if it's too late already?

What do you do when you don't know what to do?

The drive in me has become a faint scream that nobody hears. Not even me.

Lifeless. Lost. Trapped, Detached. Closed-off. Disappointed. Worthless. Negative. Unhappy. Unmotivated. Wasteful.

Ah, I guess I was wrong. I'm not too worn out to cry.

The leaves fluttered on tree limbs, tickled by the cool air. Try as they might, they cannot hold on forever. They will fall eventually....it's only a matter of time.

When the urge strikes.....

I feel like I'm a nomad, packing and unpacking from place to place. I'll just have to get used to it....for now.

I've been staying at my aunt and uncle's for several days at a time, then go back home for a day or two, then return to their house all over again.

The good news is that my aunt and uncle are in better spirits compared with last month. My uncle started his first chemotherapy treatment this week and thankfully all it did was just make him extremely tired. We can deal with that!

We were told that the chemo would have an accumulative effect as the treatments progressed. So as the weeks go on, he'll get sicker and sicker. But we're trying not worry about it until it happens.

I've been charged with putting away all the outdoor things from their backyard and chose a rainy day earlier in the week to get started (I love the rain). I rolled up and stored the garden hoses and will be wrapping up the central air conditioning unit soon.

As I disconnected the backyard sprinkler and placed it on the pavement, my eyes caught its reflection in a shallow rain puddle.

I'm sure every artist gets that feeling where you see something and know you MUST draw/paint it! It's like an itch you have to scratch!

So at that moment, I sat down on an old bucket, rested a giant umbrella over my head to protect my sketchbook, and franticly sketched away.

The unusually cold weather didn't deter me but I was chilled to the bone. By the time I was finally done, my fingertips were slightly numb! Oh the things I continue to do for my art!

But I had to capture it down on paper before the sprinkler was officially put away for the winter. The urge had to be satisfied!

Wordless Wednesday - Tree's canopy after the rain.....

For a limited time only!

Smack dab on the side of a dark building. Next to a vacant lot filled with weeds and rubble. Surrounded by a tall, chain-link fence.

An unexpected piece of street art!

I had a job interview earlier in the week near the West Loop and this just caught my eye!

Close-up shot! Doesn't he look cute!

This little yellow guy popped against the all-black wall. From a distance I thought maybe someone painted a bee. Upon closer inspection though it's some kind of robot/anime/video game-type character that's been pasted onto the brick surface.

Very cool!

In another week this will most likely be painted over so I thought to capture it with my camera before his fate is sealed.

Here's some tagging a couple blocks down from that spot. Sorry, the letters are being obscured by the lower building. I'd have to climb onto the roof to get a better shot (and yes, I did look for a fire escape....I will go to great lengths to get a good picture!).

I love the color combinations here. Something about the pink, red, and black that look great together.

I'm so impressed at how some people can pull this off without getting caught, using only spray paint, markers, and limited time.

It all makes me want to start doing some street art of my own! Before you know it I'll be marking up storefront windows and spray painting the sides of buildings!

Hahaha no, I'm too much of a goody-two-shoes to vandalize other people's property....at least as of now!

Just wanted to share my discoveries with you all. Now time for me to buy some spray paint! Kidding!!

"Depressed" (self-portrait)

Mixed media on watercolor paper - 8" x 10"

"Depression is my lover.....

I've known it intimately since I was a child.

It whispers damaging words that linger in my head.

It holds me down hard and at times won't let me up."

I've suffered with depression for most of my life, with suicidal thoughts as early as 7th grade, if not sooner.

Sometimes I regret not acting on those thoughts back then because things would've been much simpler if I had died as a child. I would've saved myself a lot of fear and pain and despair.

The depression has been with me for so long, literally decades, that it now feels normal....at least normal for me. Or maybe I lowered my standard of living and just accepted that I'll always feel this way.

Close-up detail

"Depression is my lover.....

It's persistent and waits for me patiently.

It takes me in its open arms and kisses me and smiles when I cry.

It forces me to dance with it at any given time, day or night."

It's like death came long ago and I've just been existing ever since. No purpose. No meaning. No direction. A shell of a man crumbling away piece by piece.

How can I think long-term anymore when at times I barely make it through the week, let alone the day?

Am I prolonging the agony for nothing? What's the incentive to keep going if I'm always feeling like this? At this point will things get much better?

Close-up detail

"Depression is my lover.....

It is of a jealous nature and quick to drive away joy.

It rips me apart and slowly kills me from the inside out.

It loves to separate me from my dreams and goals."

Feeling lifeless, lost, numb, and stuck. A lack of desire and a fatigue so great I sometimes struggle just getting out of bed, brushing my teeth, or making something to eat. All I can really do is sit with the deep sadness and wait for it to lessen in severity.

And then a glimmer of happiness comes along. I start feeling better, having a good day. Thinking maybe things are finally picking up when suddenly the depression comes back with a vengeance. And once again....all hope is lost.

The same damn cycle for years and years and years.

I can't seem to escape it and fear I never will. Depression is my lover and it won't let me be.

Is it worth it?

"Maybe dying is the answer," I overheard my uncle tell my aunt. "I don't want to live the rest of my life like this."

Ever since my uncle came home from the hospital last week he was clearly despondent. He's worried he won't be able to handle the chemo. Worried that he'll always be dependent on others to complete everyday tasks.

I've spent the past two weeks with him and my aunt helping out as best I could and had a restless craving to draw something....anything! Here is a sketch of their backyard fence.

It had so much character and just begged to be drawn!

The buckled planks. Random stones underneath in the dirt. Stray grass protruding every which way. It provided a little escape for me. My time is limited right now and I squeeze in my art when I can....which isn't often.

I've agreed to stay at my aunt and uncle's house until he gets his strength back. But for how long? A couple more weeks? A few months? Once he starts chemotherapy I'm sure he'll be weak again. Will I have to stay off and on with them indefinitely?

I'm emotionally and physically drained. Feeling worried, frustrated, trapped, and helpless. Maybe I'm being an ungrateful nephew and focusing too much on my own troubles. After all, I'm not the one battling cancer.

The two of them helped raise me when I was younger and were always there for my immediate family. And I can't give up a month or two in return? Maybe I'm just being selfish at this point.

But how much help can I be? When my uncle has his bad days and appears to give up so easily, I wonder where is the fight in him. And then I ask myself....where is the fight in me?

Who am I to encourage anyone to keep going when I often don't feel like living myself?

"I don't even know if it's worth it," my uncle weakly said. Sometimes I tell myself the exact same thing.....

W.I.P. Self-Portrait - Step 3 - Salvage

I almost lost all hope. But with a little perseverance and tweaking I managed to rescue this latest self-portrait from certain doom!

In step 2, I mentioned the blue watercolor wash muddied up the skin tone, turning it a moldy color. Well, I went over the face and hands with a yellowish-peach gouache which helped neutralize all of that green....much like concealer! Its opaque qualities helped cover a multitude of sins.

Thank God for gouache!!

Determined to have cool tones on the skin as originally planned, I went ahead and added blueish-purple gouache for the cast shadows.

I still would love for there to be more blue on the face but at this point I'm not touching it any further. Too much changing around could be catastrophic!

Lastly, the excess green on the hair was carefully removed with a damp tissue and replaced with yellows and browns to make it appear like a natural color again.

It may look strange to you now but once I add all of the blacks on the face everything will make sense. Now all that's left is to ink the head and hands and lay down the finishing details.

The next time you see this self-portrait it WILL be the completed painting!

"You have six months....maybe a year if on chemo."

It's not what we expected to hear from the surgeon. Apparently the tumor was so large and too close to the bladder to be taken out.

The oncologist was much more optimistic. He thought the chemotherapy would not only shrink my uncle's tumor enough to be removed but any remaining spots on the liver would be wiped out completely as well.

"He's my everything," my aunt said as her voice broke into a cry.

It's been an emotional roller coaster this week and that's putting it mildly. You're up then you're down, then down some more. Good news, bad news, and something in between.

A get well card from one of my aunt's 3rd grade students

When my uncle wasn't allowed solids for several days, he joked to the nurse, "I'll give you $1,000 for a big mac!"

I spend most of the day with him at the hospital and the nights with my aunt. They're the oldest relatives I have and also my godparents. The ones I look up to....to lead the way and be strong.

When suddenly they're both struggling to keep it together, who will lead the way now?

A few people have mentioned it's a good thing I've been laid off because I'm the only real family member that's free to stay with both of them during this difficult time. That's somewhat comforting. I've also been told several times that I'd make an excellent nurse!

It's been over a week since I've really drawn or painted anything. I really haven't had the time and my mind is preoccupied with other things. And as you all know....life gets in the way sometimes.

Keep the faith.....

I hadn't seen my cousin in nearly 15 years and almost didn't recognize her. She was near the hospital entrance when I arrived. We hugged and smiled our hellos.

"I have good news....no, great news," she said in a raised voice. "It's cancer but it's totally treatable."

At that moment, all I could think was, how is cancer good news?

My grandmother's rosary

Last week my uncle complained of stomach troubles and was taken to the hospital. Doctors found a cancerous tumor in his colon. He'll be having surgery today to remove the growth and reconstruct the damaged area. Once his body heals he'll receive chemotherapy to wipe out any last traces of the cancer.

When I visited at the hospital on Sunday he seemed optimistic yet scared. His family and close friends were there, determined to keep my uncle's spirits up. They were on a mission!

You could feel the love and support and hope in that hospital room! It was faith made tangible! I sat there like a quiet observer just soaking it all in.

My aunt and cousin have been amazing, staying with him at the hospital from 8am to 8pm every day since last week. The three of them worked together in complete harmony. Whatever my uncle needed, my aunt and cousin were right there to help. Literally functioning in tandem as a family unit.

Never having experienced that growing up at home, I was in awe, witnessing it for the first time through extended relatives. The way the three of them treated one another put my immediate family to shame.

The whole experience left me feeling anxious, sad, worried, withdrawn, and out-of-place.

There's a great sense of uncertainty and powerlessness because everything is out of our hands at this point.

In the end, all we can do is pray and hope for the best. To deal with it one day at a time and maybe most importantly....keep the faith.

W.I.P. Self-Portrait - Step 2 - Painting and Panic!!

I cannot believe it but I messed this up sooooo badly!!

Everything started out looking really good. I built up the peaches on the skin and the golden browns in the hair. Wanting the entire painting to have a bluish tint, I went ahead and laid down a light blue wash over the face and hair.

The problem?

That blue wash turned the skin a moldy color and made the hair a green tone! That WASN'T the look I was trying to achieve! Ughh!!

All of the cast shadows I blocked in got washed out as well.

And to make matters worse, it appears that the irises are too big and the face is slightly too short and round. Now it kind of looks a bit like Justin Timberlake instead of me!

Fuckity-fuck and super shit!!!!!

Oooooh, I swear to God, I will NOT be starting over and redrawing this again. If I can't fix it I guess this self-portrait just wasn't meant to be!

What a mess, what a mess, what a mess.....

Do any artists have suggestions on how to correct this? The skin now has both cool and warm tones in it. Should I make the cast shadows on the face and hand darker blues or darker peaches? I'm afraid either way is going to look wrong.

*heavy sigh*

I guess you all know what I'll be doing this Labor Day weekend. Trying to salvage this painting or send it to self-portrait heaven and say, "Bye, bye, bye.....bye bye!"

W.I.P. Self-Portrait - Step 1 - Drawing

I put this off for the longest time. Resisted, procrastinated, and just plain stopped. It's probably due to the subject matter.

This latest self-portrait deals with depression. A necessary piece for me to complete so that I can give those deep-rooted feelings a voice and finally express them in a visual way.

All of the previous elements from "Ugly" (self-portrait) are here. The star on the forehead, the plants, the tears. Butterflies were added because lately they've come to represent freedom for me.      A beautiful kind of freedom.

I would've preferred to show this self-portrait only as a finished piece but I liked the way the drawing turned out so much I thought it would be neat to share as a work-in-progress.

When I created my "Ugly" self-portrait I used just a mirror. It was meant to be a warped image so I wasn't concerned with being 100% accurate. This time around I used a photo reference.

I admit to still cringing when drawing myself. Having to stare and study my photograph makes me notice all the irregularities and uneven angles in my face. But I'm determined for this newest piece NOT to be "Ugly" Part 2!

The goal wasn't to create a spitting image but a recognizable likeness instead. I think I came close enough.

Next I'll lay down the paint and bring this painting to life!

Taking the long way home.....

When I reached the bustling city I felt anxious but relieved. After an entire week of not leaving the house, I finally managed to take the train downtown yesterday. I ran a few errands and treated myself to an afternoon movie in the Loop.

It was so nice to get away from things for a while. Afterwards, I sat by the Chicago Riverwalk, taking in the mighty skyline and the earthy smell of the water just a stone's throw away.

So serene and beautiful and lovely!

The Chicago Riverwalk near Centennial Fountain

Friday was cloudy and cool, almost chilly. Just the way I like it!

I deliberately picked a spot rarely traveled by tourists and had the area mostly to myself. It reminded me that I'm still alone yet I felt so open and free! And I would give up being with someone if it meant absolute freedom any day!

For over 2 1/2 hours I sat by the riverwalk and thought about things. I just didn't want to go home....back to the way things were. I guess I wanted to stretch the moment out for as long as I possibly could.

And before finally leaving, I said a prayer of thanks. That I may have this feeling again someday. That it wouldn't just be a fleeting thing but that I could truly be free!

For now a piece of my heart will stay with the city until I return from the sadness.

Is the depression gone? No, it never will be. It comes in waves and intensities and right now it's lessened compared with earlier in the week.

I feel like I can get some much needed drawing and painting done again, which is what I intend to do!

Thank you, everyone!!

Face the day.....

It's not easy to face the day when you really don't want to.

The morning sunlight bleeds through the blinds and I curse under my breath, making me want to draw the curtains closed. Trains can be heard rumbling by across the street. The same trains I used to take to work.

I pull the sheets and pillows over my head and lie awake for hours like a zombie. Numb and detached. Waiting for the day to end and saddened to know tomorrow and the day after that will be exactly the same.

This has been such a terrible week. Unproductive and isolated and unhappy. I no longer think I have the strength to push through it. That I'm at its mercy now. My actions for the day depend on how I'm feeling rather than what I'd like to do.

And outside, life goes on but I'm not a part of it. It's hard to look out the window because I know I'm missing something. The world keeps spinning....like always and I'm hidden away....like always.

Wasting time, wasting potential, wasting away.

What a nothing I've become.

Everyday this week I've gotten ready in the morning to go downtown. But resistance, anxiety, and fear all told me "no" so I got undressed, put everything away, and went back to bed.

How sad when it takes all my strength and focus just to try and leave the house and I can't even do that!

Everyone else seems so well-adjusted and normal. Living life comes naturally to others yet I feel lost all the time. That can't be right.

Something is wrong when it feels like torture just having to get up. When it hurts to be awake. When it becomes a struggle....just to face the day.

"He broke it"

Mixed media on watercolor paper - 8" x 10" (SOLD)

There's that excitement when you first meet. A tingling that runs through your whole body....like butterflies dancing in your stomach.

It all seems so perfect. A dream come true. Prayers finally answered.

You both have things in common and what you don't compliments each other perfectly. A divine chance to move out of your comfort zone and help each other grow and change for the better.

Deep in your heart, like a fool or a naive child, you believe that he's the one.

::: Close-up detail :::

The beginning stages of love work their magic in you. You feel more energetic and open and catch yourself softly smiling throughout the day. You know someone is waiting for you!

And just before the butterflies have a real chance to fly, it all unravels before your bewildered blue eyes. You have faith that things will come back together....pray that it will last.

Instead, that floating world you built on hope and trust begins crumbling down. Thank God we both have wings or we'd be doomed for sure!

::: Close-up detail :::

In the end you are alone once more....like always. You feel embarrassed, worthless, and unlovable. Am I really that terrible?

You mourn what could've been and what will never be. The heart broken, the fantasy shattered.

::: Close-up detail :::

So much time has passed since then. Can the heart ever be mended and made whole? Deep down I believe it can. I have hope it will.

But can love find me when I'm buried under so much hurt? Can I expect anyone to truly love me when I don't love myself?

Maybe when it comes down to it, he didn't break it at all. I did.

Nothing goes as planned.....

"If you fail to plan, you plan to fail."   --Anonymous

Imagine picking up a rock that instantly becomes pulverized and slips through your fingers like sand. You didn't even have a real chance to grasp it.

A chance. Everyone wants an honest-to-goodness chance in life.

Things never seem to go as planned. Job openings don't come through, goals are never fully achieved, relationships are strained and don't turn out the way I'd like.

I can't seem to move in the direction I want. Forget going in circles, it feels like I'm spiraling backwards and downwards. The disappointment weighs me down, time unwaveringly passes by, and I'm stuck, sinking into the viscous mire.

You feel foolish for getting your hopes up and yet are chastised for expecting things not to work out.

Has the universe failed me or have I failed it?

God only knows I've prayed and prayed for guidance. Are my unanswered prayers part of the plan too? I've lost my faith so many times, swearing never to go back, yet there I am like a dog with its tail between its legs, begging one more time for an answer.

So you begin again and it doesn't work out....again. And you try and fail and fail and fail. It all leaves me feeling stupid. Clearly I'm doing it wrong.

Or is it that deep down I hate myself so much that I sabotage the process because I think I'm undeserving of something good?

Have I planned to fail? Or is the lack of focus and determination, feeling sad and wasteful, wanting to let the dream die, just me failing to plan? Is it all out of my hands at this point? Like fine sand, are the dreams out of my grasp?

When putting all these thoughts together for this post, the plan was for it to be concise and focused. But it's become a series of scattered ramblings instead. Silly Dean, I should've known....nothing goes as planned.

Nude Male Ink Sketch - Side Pose

Pen and ink on paper - 8" x 10 1/2" (SOLD)

Here's a recent sketch I did from a live model.

I'm really pleased with the way this nude turned out! The figure is off to the side and yet I like that the male's shadow dominates the center of the drawing.

The lively, rough lines help pump some energy into the piece too.

Subtle, strong, and soft-looking all at the same time. Love that!

Ugly is beautiful.....

A bucket's filthy interior

No one can truly understand how a visual artist sees something except another visual artist. We catch things most will miss. Spot special details when other people think there aren't any. An artist can find even the most mundane object to be visually interesting.

A dead wasp

When the days of depression and despondency and apathy hit me, I realize I tend to notice all of the ugly things around me. And yet, even ugliness can be unique....which makes it beautiful.

Water-damaged paper covering a window

In the graphic novel, The Plain Janes, the main character (Jane) mentions that she tries to see the beauty in everything but struggles when everything around her at the moment looks so ugly.

Crumbling indoor wall

Can you find the loveliest parts in something grotesque? Do you see how pretty the disgusting can really be? Is there something charming about the sadness?

Badly stained enamel bathtub

Just wanted to share some random images that I see on a daily basis. To see if you can find the beauty in them like I have.

Or is it just ugly to you?

Unemployed and on unemployment.....

Maybe it's because I'm a Taurus. Taureans are known to be stubborn after all and resistant to change and taking action. I waited to file for unemployment until two weeks after being laid off.

I suppose I procrastinated because filing those papers makes it all very real. That I'm officially jobless and dependent on the government for financial assistance.

Receiving unemployment is a mixed blessing. I feel grateful, embarrassed, frustrated, supported, and weak all at the same time.

Work is good for the soul....even mundane work. It gives you purpose during the day. A reason to get out of bed in the morning.

The week after getting laid off was spent mourning the loss of my job. That first Monday and Tuesday "off" hit me the hardest. I didn't care for that job and yet I'll miss the routine and seeing my coworkers....knowing I'll be productive for that day.

My UI Claimant Wage Information Sheet that arrived in the mail this weekend, which I decorated with a field of flowers, a colorful rainbow, and butterflies!

And before anyone mentions again how much free time I now have to focus on my art, let me say that when you're feeling down and uncertain you don't always want to do much of anything. Most of the time I'm unproductive and unmotivated.

Which leads to me to question. The theme of my art blog is escaping dead-end jobs to create a life in art. Should this blog continue to exist if I have no job to escape? What is its purpose now? What's my purpose?

I'll end this post with a quote my now former coworker gave to me that I read from time to time:

"The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be only the beginning". --Ivy Baker Priest

"Samira"

Watercolor and ink on watercolor paper - 5" x 7" (NFS)

So earlier in the week I adopted a little baby girl. A latin cutie named Samira.

....................

I'm kidding of course!

But if I did I sure hope she'd look like this!

My former coworker gave birth last year and brought her bundle of joy to work for all of us to see shortly thereafter.

Dark hair everywhere, deep brown eyes, and those chubby cheeks. Just adorable!!

Surprisingly, Samira was so well behaved. Very calm and quiet and she would smile a lot. A really wonderful temperament for a baby.

A couple months back the same coworker (who takes photography classes) had duplicate photos of her daughter spread along her desk. I asked if I could have one to try and do a portrait. I didn't get around to starting/finishing it until now! Ughh!

The challenge was that the photograph was black and white. Rather than guess the proper skin tone, exact eye color, etc., I went ahead and did the portrait in black ink with bright pink watercolor washes to keep the background interesting.

The last time I asked my former coworker how Samira was doing she told me her daughter put on weight and is becoming extremely grumpy! LOL....I guess they don't stay cute and sweet forever!

Impatiens on LSD!

It was just starting to drizzle (thank God) as I walked down Lake Shore Drive. The choppy lake to my left, a string of high-end hotels to my right.

While meandering downtown several days ago I spotted a series of colorful planters. Impatiens. Clusters and clusters of impatiens waiting........patiently! (lame pun)

The main thing that attracted me to these was the bright colors. I love the combination of orange-reds with pinkish-purples.

Reds and purples and greens oh my!

Here's a shot (above) of the impatiens all neatly lined up in their concrete containers. Look how they 'pop' against all that surrounding gray! Ooohhhhh!

Now I might have to do a painting with that color combination after seeing this.

Just wanted to share an unexpected burst of color with you all!

A sign of thanks.....

Watercolor with ink on watercolor paper - 4 1/4" x 6" (NFS)

Our supervisor gathered us on our last day and asked that we follow her. "I wanted to show my thanks," she said, herding the three of us down the narrow hall.

To our surprise, the small back room, once used for storage and books was now filled with tons of food and a banner hanging overhead saying how much we'll be missed.

My coworkers threw the three of us in our department that were being laid off a surprise farewell party at work!

There was soooo much to eat! Pizza, spaghetti, chicken, salad, chips, fresh fruit, cake, pie. And the staff took the time to individually sign a card for each of us. To top it all off, we were given a cash gift!

In all, our department must've spent close to $600 for the entire event last week! Wow!! We sure did feel appreciated after that.

Needless to say, a store-bought greeting card would NOT do. I folded a small piece of watercolor paper in half, painted the outside, and wrote my words of appreciation on the inside.

A butterfly seemed an appropriate choice for some reason. Maybe it's an excuse to use a lot of colors. In any case I wanted my department to know how much that send-off meant to me, putting as much detail in the wings as I could.

The thank you card was lovingly mailed this morning. Hope they like it!

And so it ends.....

I was the last to leave my floor after the building officially closed for the night. How fitting. In the back room, what was left in my locker I stuffed into my bookbag. My key card and city of Chicago ID were gently placed in my supervisor's mailbox.

Everything was given one last look and I said a prayer of thanks. I'd worked here approximately two years and four months. The longest I had held a job. I was proud and grateful for that. This space became like a second home, the coworkers an extended family.

As the closing door behind me echoed in the hallway, down the escalators I went. Teary-eyed, I left my workplace for the final time. I was being laid off and yesterday was my last day.

God knows I hated that job. A major city department, we dealt with people every day. The redundant, tedious, and never-ending work. The regular homeless patrons and ex-convicts. Finding toenail clippings, pairs of underwear, and yes, even fecal matter. I won't be missing ANY of those things.

But it was a steady (though small) source of income. Working there got this anti-social butterfly more comfortable around people. It got me out of the house. Perhaps most importantly it allowed me to make some wonderful friends.

Once I left the building it all started to sink in and the tears started flowing. I didn't want the nighttime crowds walking about to see me boo-hooing so I went where I normally go on my late nights when I wanted to be alone.

Aon Center courtyard ("my spot") looking south of the Loop

The Aon Center has a very large yet softly lit courtyard that is sort of hidden from the main streets. I love it there at night because it's private and packed with trees and plants. The surrounding skyscrapers all aglow just add to the romantic ambiance.

It has been my secret safe-haven from tourists, drunk Cubs fans, or rowdy teens roaming the Chicago streets at night while waiting two long hours for my train to arrive.

And so I sat by my spot one final time thinking about things (as always) and just cried and cried and cried.

"My spot" facing north of the Loop

Before I started this job I was in such a bad emotional state of mind. A deep, deep despair. And now I fear, almost 2 1/2 years later, that I'll fall right back into it. I can feel it creeping up for me already.

I brought just two tissues thinking maybe I'd have to blot my eyes once or twice. Oh I was wrong! I went into the "ugly cry" several times. Lips quivering. Nose running. Even the back of my neck became sore.

The time finally came to start heading to the train station. Still in the courtyard, I once again said a prayer of thanks, this time for keeping me safe on my late nights. That "my spot" may provide shelter to those who need it in the future just as it did me.

On the way home I thought about what one of my coworkers told me just two hours earlier.

She was going down the escalator as I headed into the back office. Our eyes met briefly. I smiled. Now out of view, she called out in a cracked voice, "I hope good things happen for you, Dean."

I hope so too. I hope so too.

Praying for something better.....

"I feel so sad. So weak. So lost."

After a long pause, that was how I started off my prayer.

I wasn't getting much artwork done lately. Projects would start only to stop. Feeling unmotivated and useless and depressed.

I had time to kill before work this morning and decided to go to the Cathedral District to pray. That always seems to help.

There's an outdoor labyrinth I like to visit that's located right next to St. James Cathedral. I prefer this method of praying instead of actually going inside the church. It's much more private and intimate and freeing IMHO.

The labyrinth (the entrance/exit starts at the bottom-middle)

If you've never heard of it before, a labyrinth is an ancient, maze-like design often used in church as a form of prayer or meditation. Walking the intricate pattern was considered equivalent to pilgrimage.

There is only one entrance/exit. The winding walkway leads to the center of the labyrinth. The center is said to represent God or heaven upon where one would pray. Once finished, the person would then leave using the same path.

Anxiously I entered the labyrinth and thought about my troubles.

It will be less than a week until I officially lose my job. So much uncertainty and fear. As I turned and wrapped around the meandering path I wondered what I'll do next in life. What if I can't make it? I'm so drained and down as it is, I'm not sure I can handle much more.

The labyrinth's center

When I reached the labyrinth's center, I knelt on the ground, closed my eyes, and firmly clasped my hands. Police sirens mixed with barking dogs could be heard in the distance. My tears dotted my jeans. It was the longest amount of time I'd spent there. Maybe 15 minutes or more just sitting and praying and crying.

I've prayed for the same damn things over and over, year after year.

For better opportunities to come my way. A good, dependable job that lets me make ends meet. To be great and do great things. To have great things and great people come into my life. For clarity. For wisdom. For strength. For fulfillment. For guidance. For it to begin today....at this moment!

I can NOT keep running on empty. Something has to come my way. It has to!

Close-up detail of the pathway

I once heard that God hears you the first time and that prayers don't need to be repeated. If that's the case, then maybe what I'm asking for will stay unanswered. Or maybe God's just a negligent father and I don't need another one of those.

With the prayer finished I backtracked the trail, hands still gripped tightly, reflecting on what I asked for. Curving and winding with the design, I pondered if this time will be different. Will my prayers be answered? When I reached the exit I wiped my eyes and gave the labyrinth one last look.

Only time will tell, I guess.

"Abstract Squares" (ongoing series)

Watercolor on watercolor paper - 8" x 10" (SOLD)

I had a craving for color. Reds, Yellows, Blues, Greens. Bright hues I could sink my proverbial teeth into and whet my appetite.

This is one of my favorite abstract series to paint. It's just so simple and pleasing on the eyes. Being so colorful doesn't hurt either!

Everything is so neat and lined up yet within each square the colors are allowed to run and bleed where they like.

Time to loosen up my proverbial belt a bit. I'm feeling full now!

Cloudy day in Chicago!

Michigan Ave. and Van Buren looking towards Lake Michigan

I'm working on some paintings at the moment but in the meantime thought I'd show you some lovely photos of the Windy City.

Backyard shot!

It was extremely cloudy today. Full, mountainous clouds filled the sky from every nook and cranny. A cumulus invasion overtaking Chicago!

Another pic from the backyard!

There's such a grand sense of depth and freeness when the sky looks like this. Everything is so much more visually interesting....almost romantic. Wouldn't you agree?

Looking southwest of Chicago while waiting for my train

The following quote sums it all up rather nicely.....

"How sweet to be a cloud floating in the blue!"

--A.A. Hodge

Nothing lasts forever.....

"Fuck you and your mother."

"This shit don't work."

"Don't fuck with me in this heat!"

That's pretty much what I've listened to this past week. The building next door is having its roof replaced and the construction workers' conversations are....let's just say it's good no children are present.

The neighbor's roof in its original glory

Hammers pounding. Saws cutting. Debris flying. Amidst the yelling and crashing around me I started to feel sad.

From my window I've seen our neighbor's roof every day.

The light gray shingles were familiar, unchanging....almost soothing to the eye. Ornate yet simple. Vintage and old-fashioned (much like the original owner who lived 'til her mid-90's and died about a year-and-a-half-ago).

Devastated and made bare

It reminds me that nothing remains constant. Seems like everything is changing around me but I'm not. Like I'm falling behind. Stuck. Failing.

I'll be losing my job next month. What if I can't adapt to that? What if I can't change with the changes? How long can I last?

Or am I over analyzing this way too much? We are talking about a roof getting remodeled for God's sake!

The new roof. How boring and modern!

Nail guns popping. Air compressors whirring. Boards banging.

Of all the "colorful" exchanges between the roofers, my absolute favorite was, "I don't wanna girlfriend. I fuck strippers!"

Classy. Real classy.

Loud, cocky, foul-mouthed construction workers....gotta love 'em. Reminds me of my father.

Some things never change....

My new baby!

I was in a rush to get to work. I stopped in my tracks and almost gasped upon first sight.

Peering through a cramped storefront window our eyes fatefully met. Full-figured, tall, gorgeous.....and oh-so green!

Silly! I'm talking about the one, the only........ZZ plant!!

Here's a picture of my newest "child" which I purchased earlier in the week.

Its full Latin name is Zamioculcas zamiifolia, or "ZZ plant" for short.

This has got to be one of the easiest houseplants to grow yet not the easiest to find. I was so shocked and thrilled when I saw this for sale at a downtown flower shop. For $35 this was an absolute steal!

Pest and disease resistant. Naturally shiny, dark green leaves. Can grow in extremely low light levels. Stores water in its rhizome so it doesn't need to be watered all that much. What's not to love?

It's close to three feet tall already and ridiculously full, almost packed, with a multitude of fat juicy stalks.

Close-up shot! Such shiny leaves you have!

And the best part?

Each leaf can be individually rooted! If I plucked off and propagated ALL of the leaves on this I could have hundreds and hundreds of baby ZZ plants! The thought fills me with wild laughter!

Woooahhahaaahahaahahahahahahahahaha!!!! I told you!

Every time I see my new baby it brings a smile to my face.

Now isn't it about time you got your own? Remember, houseplants are better than people. They won't hurt or abandon you and they purify the air! (^_^)

Welcome to the Grey family, my dear ZZ plant!

Nude Male ACEO

Pen and ink on bristol paper - 2 1/2" x 3 1/2" (SOLD)

I haven't made one of these in a while.

Normally you don't come across Nudes done as an ACEO. I was up for the challenge and here's what came of it.

Because of the art card's small dimensions I couldn't include the entire figure. But I think the cropped torso is visually more interesting this way. Don't you agree?

The main goal was to have a nice balance of light and darks to make the muscles and form 'pop'.

The striped border around the image adds a little extra touch.

Just a simple, subtle male nude done in an ACEO format!

Quick, fun, and painless!

I LOST my dead-end job!!!!

Getting called into the Assistant Commissioner's office is never a good sign. Having the Director of Human Resources sitting next to her is doubly bad.

"I think you know what we're going to tell you, Dean."

My eyes scanned the document placed in front of me. 'Budget cuts, termination, and layoffs' were the words I saw first.

As they took turns talking to me about the financial crisis the City is in, I put my hand to my face. In a sort of shock I blocked out most of what they said, thinking to myself, "Oh my God, I can't believe I'm going to lose my job!"

And that's what happened. Our dear Mayor Daley announced this past Friday that multiple city departments in Chicago would experience layoffs. Hundreds of terminations to be exact. And one of those hundreds was me!

Oh super fucking crap! No, let me emphasize that a bit better. ****OH SUPER FUCKING CRAP!!!****

Part of my "pink slip" which I decorated in shades of pink marker

with yellows and greens for contrast!

If you read my blog you'll note I often complain of my dead-end job. Yes, it most indeed sucks working there but it was a steady source of income (not much though).

Now I do NOT know what I'm going to do. Where will I get money from? I'm so scared I won't be able to find another job to replace this one. So many people are unemployed right now and there is soooo much competition.

The silver lining to this story is that our union is supposedly going to have a meeting with the Mayor's office in hopes of negotiating a deal. If both sides can agree on certain financial terms all the layoffs could be rescinded.

So I'm technically working until July 15th of next month. If no progress is made regarding talks between our union and the Mayor it's bye-bye dead-end job.

Needless to say, I could not sleep well that night. It was raining out and at two in the morning I sat in the backyard and cried as the rain danced on my skin. It was almost lovely.

I guess it's true what they say....."You don't know what you got 'til it's gone."

Chicago's Millennium Park at Night!! (Part 2)

Another Wednesday. Another late night getting out of work.

It was time to revisit Millennium Park yesterday. My original post showed just a fraction of what this world class park has to offer. Now prepare to be amazed as you see the rest of Millennium Park at night! *oohs and ahhs from the crowd*

The very first photo is of the Jay Pritzker Pavilion where all the free, outdoor concerts are held. Much like the back of Crown Fountain, the pavilion changes a series of colors from blues, to purples, to oranges, to reds (see below).

Jay Pritzker Pavilion turning red!

Next up, on the way to Lurie Garden is the boardwalk with its wading pool. A narrow corridor with wooden planks where you can literally stick your feet in the water when it's too hot out.

The boardwalk and the canal

It's very dimly lit in this particular area. It's no surprise to me that there were several couples sitting here necking with their partner.

Crown Fountain with a smiling Chicagoan

In part one I showed you the back of  The Crown Fountain. Here is a frontal shot of one of the towers. You'll note an image of a Chicagoan appears on the huge screen. This random face will stare at you and occasionally smile. 

Crown Fountain with a spitting Chicagoan. Where are her manners?!

Then after about five minutes he/she will pucker their lips and "spit" out water down below! Gross and cool at the same time!

The Art Institute's Modern Wing

Here's a shot of the new Modern Wing at night. It's the newest addition from the Art Institute with a bridge that connects right into the heart of Millennium Park. I love that heavenly white glow!

Boom! Sizzle! Ka-pow!

A neat little thing during the summer is the fireworks show at Navy Pier which just happens to occur on Wednesday evenings! How lucky am I!! Up above is a blurry shot of the fireworks from the park looking towards Navy Pier.

And last but not least, down below is the BP bridge looking east towards the Loop. This metallic silver, s-shaped bridge winds like a snake over Columbus Drive, allowing you amazing views of the park and the skyline!

BP bridge with the city as its backdrop

The spicy-sweet smell of nearby flowering bushes lingered in the cool air and amazing architecture was everywhere. It was just terribly romantic. No wonder there were so many families and couples here.

It's always a bittersweet thing coming to places like this. I have no one to share it with but I'd rather see it by myself than not at all.

Seeing the skyscrapers from BP bridge was just awesome. The wind played with my hair and all the lights lit up my soul. Everything looked so vast and open. I took it all in and felt so free. So free!!

In that moment I never wanted to go home. I just wanted to run for it. To escape and never look back.

After over an hour standing on that bridge overlooking the vibrant cityscape, reality set in. I had to catch my train. Back to the mundane routine, the crummy job, the despondency, the unfulfilled life.

I'm glad I got to experience the freedom for a little while though. Until next time my dearest Chicago.....

"Tequila Sunrise" (W.I.P. Hibiscus Painting - Step 3 - Completion!!)

Watercolor on watercolor paper - 8" x 10" (SOLD)

I'm done. I'm done! I'm fucking done!

Ugh! This painting took sooooo much longer to finish than I thought. If I'd been using a real hibiscus flower instead of a photo reference, the bloom would've been long dead by now!

I would start and stop, then start and stop some more. This floral painting got pushed to the back burner so many times, thoughts about tearing it up came to mind so I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore.

It even got me to swearing. Fuckity-fuck and super shit! (See what I mean?!)

Anywho.....

I like the way this turned out. In this stage the shadows on the foliage were deepened and the finishing touches on the petals were laid in.

Am I 100% satisfied with this painting? No....but I am pleased with it and maybe that's good enough.

Now I can finally move on to something else! Fuck yeah!

Strawberries sketch

They're one of the first plants in our garden to emerge. One of the definitive signs of Spring. Charming, cute, and oh-so petite. I'm talking about strawberries of course!

Here's a sketch I did earlier this morning of the strawberry plants in our backyard.

I love the shape of their leaves and the "runners" they send out which produce new plants. Our strawberries have mostly flowered and began bearing tiny, unripened fruit.

As I was sketching these on the grass, a spider raced across my sketchbook! Eeek! I tried shooing it away but the thing ran underneath into the other pages! When I flipped through the sketchbook the spider was gone....probably back onto the grass. Hopefully!

And just after that, an ant started crawling on one of the strawberry's leaves. Another bug that's always in a hurry (or are they just shy?). I quickly made him/her part of my sketch!

Strawberry plants from the garden

Our now deceased neighbor actually gave us these plants from her yard several years ago (that makes them even more special).

She gave us several of her "offspring" which we planted in front of the vegetable garden. Every year since, they spread and kept on spreading. They make awesome little borders (see photo above)!

Can you believe after all this praise about this plant that I don't even like eating strawberries!