Monday, June 25, 2012

A good day to die.


I was always very methodical when it came to my suicide...should that time come.

I'd never kill myself at home so family wouldn't find my dead body.

I even have several spots picked out depending on how I'd do it--drowning myself near the lakefront, slitting my throat at a private area in the city, or perhaps most dramatic, having a freight train run me over at night (we live right across the street from train tracks).

Most importantly of all, it would have to be in the summertime.

You see, my mom's a school teacher so the funeral would be easiest on her when she's off for summer break.

When my dad died, my mom had the whole summer to go through his things and get adjusted in time for the coming school year.

My father died 7 years ago yesterday and my uncle passed two years ago tomorrow.

There's something so lovely about me dying around that time too. Perhaps right in between would be perfect.

Yes, for future reference, today would be a good day to die.

21 comments:

Damien said...

hmmmm - an interesting and well written post - if not somewhat a LITTLE too close to home for me....

Mind Of Mine said...

Having spoken to you about this before, I understand the reasoning. I weird way, I totally get it.

I hope it never comes though, I really do.

Anonymous said...

It's good to have plans.

becca said...

as horrible as this whole idea of suicide is in some weird way it was kind o beautiful and poignant that it is so thought out. makes me realize just how dark and messed up i am to actually find beauty in this post.

JuJu said...

I think it's a good day to live. LIVE Dean.

the lowly gardener said...

I, too, have well planned exit strategies from this world in my own terms and they are very much similar to your ways. Coming from an archipelago with 7,701 islands it is funny that my second home is situated near a lake, see, I now have so many chosen destinations to feed the sharks, crabs and planktons, fishes and birds with my nutritious corpse. I can hear passing trains hoots, horns and whistles from this second home too as i do in my first home where my mother and father live. It would fascinate you to witness how drivers of cars, buses and jeepneys snake through the streets and hi-ways, and I do not mean slithering by (Think spitting cobra or a mamba) Come to think of it I have even once considered draping a pet of mine around my neck and slap it silly. I have rescued a Philippine python from a vendor plying exotic food animal 'produce'.

These thought pattern have been coming and going through the years and fortunately I am too much of a coward to set those plans in motion. During my greatests dips in depression I wait for the earth to spontaneously swallow me up, even trying to will the ground to just open up for me.

Today, is the first time that I felt the urge to write again after years of coming up with blank pages. Before diving straight into my dashboard's new post button I have decided to scan through the new format and features of blogger, then check out the blogs that I have been following. I do not wish to continue on reading any others after this entry of yours tonight (Philippine time 22:34) nor will I now post anything on my page. Instead I had decided to just leave this comment for you, Dean.

Having no need to sign in because I had nothing to write about also deprived me of my favorite readings- other people's lives that have been touching mine from so far away. I have enjoyed reading your entries when I had the chance and time then. I was looking forward to going through those that I have missed, so, for me, No! It is not a good day for you to die today.

I too, am bi-polar and my blog title and url add used to be the bi-polar express. (I think i read this somewhere before that you are bipolar{?} I can not check this information out now since my current comment might get deleted. I'm just using a mobile device. No, it is not because it is hard to reconstruct what is already here but I am more afraid that I might lose track of what I am trying to say. I just have to seize this moment.
....

the lowly gardener said...

Somewhere in the archived entries of your previous selves are so many memories that would make your current self smile. Inside your drawers or stacked boxes are pressed leaves the color of autumn waiting for the next incarnation that you would give them. Inside boxes, on pans and upon a table, a tube, a stick, a spray can awaits your hand to would give life and color to an otherwise drab and unsentimental object.

In between the arcs of the pendulous swing of our highs and lows lie a range of points where reality, insanity, tears of grief, joyful tears, rage, hurt and estatic pleasure dissolve. They disappear into oneness, they explode and implode, yet, in that time and place there is peace. In some of those unnoticed and unobserved minutes or hours you have put into words a meaningful passage that helped one, such as myself, go through the day in this journey called life.

You may have not noticed or may have noticed but ignored that you have been blessed, that you have and are being loved. One of the things that keep me from barging through the exit door is my mom. Oh yes, she will grieve I am definite. Will she survive the grief and the guilt of not having been able to express her love enough that her son could not come to her in a time of desperate need? Will yours? Maybe they can and will but would they ever forgive themselves even if no one else would so much as think of blaming them?

You are a significant person. Important enough to have been able to make a stranger smile and get to pass up the chance to make today a final day so many hundred days ago.

I am choosing to be your friend today.

hello, Dean. My name is vincent

Anonymous said...

Just an FYI, It is extrememly difficult to die by intentional drowning. The body fights you. No matter what time of year, it will still be bad for your family, so don't think summer will be easier - it won't. Try therapy again. Or use the drama and become an actor. The best idea yet - try Happiness. Find what makes you happy and stick to it. (hugs)

Marty said...

When I was cutting in high school, a friend of mine was talking about how I only had to go up or down these few inches to accidentally commit suicide. I thought she was incredibly stupid for thinking that, because what I was doing (and the killing myself that I *wasn't* doing) was very methodical and controlled.

June is a nice time to visit grave yards as well, should there be someone who would like to do that on the anniversary in future years.

Dean Grey said...

Damien!

(((HUGS))) in case you need them!

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Mind Of Mine!

I hope so too, Ian.

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Anonymous!

Yes it is.

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Becca!

I don't think your dark or messed up at all.

There's just something very romantic about wanting to die around the time my other family members did.

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JuJu!

I'm trying but it's sooo hard right now.

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the lowly gardener!

Thank you for the thoughtful comment, Vincent!

Your words made me smile.

And yes, I still have all those autumn leaves pressed and saved, just waiting to be turned into something else.

I agree, that I have been given MANY blessings in life but when you are depressed it's hard to see those things. When you're in deep darkness, it's hard to see much of anything.

Welcome back to blogging, kind sir!

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Anonymous!

You're not the first person to tell me it's hard to drown but I think I'm resourceful enough to get around that.

And no therapy for me right now. I didn't care for it the first time around and have no desire to go back.

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Marty!

Sorry to hear you were a cutter. I can only assume as an adult that's no longer an issue for you.

And both my father and uncle were cremated so there's no actual gravesite to visit.

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I appreciate everyone reaching out and sharing their stories and thoughts with me on this subject!

-Dean

naturgesetz said...

I hope expressing thoughts about suicide is a way of keeping them under control. I'm glad you know that you have blessings, and that it is only the depression that makes it seem as if there is nothing.

Marky said...

Today is my mom's birthday. I would hate to know that you died on what I call a very special day. Although, I love how you think of your family in your darkest state.

My vote, you celebrate today as a day to live. You have an eloquent way to scribe your thoughts, and I for one like that.

xoxox,
Marky

Randuwa said...

There was a time when I was around your age when I would have written something very nearly the same as you have here. It was a time in my life when all that came before had slowly contributed to a growing sense of frustration and hopelessness--most especially around the fact that I am, like you, gay. I eventually decided that I would do it in my truck. I even had the curve in the road and the ancient stone abutment for the railway trestle pick out. It would look like an accident--so there would be insurance money for the disposal of my body. At the height of this ideation I would wake up late at night and drive the twisting, narrow road to my destiny. Then one night I stopped before that spot and sat in my truck and cried myself to exhaustion. When I was done, I looked up into the void of the universe through the clear star filled sky and something in me changed.

Ask the Cool Cookie said...

Dean, Instead of stroking you, I'm going to take the other path because both my husband, myself and my step sister have all lost people that we love to suicide.

Suicide doesn't simply end a life. It subjects the people who love you to immeasurable pain, anger and torment. It undermines trust in survivors, and many family and friends who live through the suicide suffer by doubting themselves for not being better people.

From my perspective, suicide is the single most selfish act imaginable. And I say this as someone who is diagnosed as depressed and on so meds to control my moods, my thoughts and ideas.

Don't do this to the people who care about you. They may not show it in ways that you feel its needs to be shown, but ending ones own life when there is the promise of seeing something - like a ruby throated hummingbird - in a day, is selfish, its stupid and its something that can't be undone. Stopping your pain at the expense of others doesn't end your pain, it simply delegates something worse unto others whose only sin was to love someone selfish.

bK said...

Ack, try not to wander back to these thoughts, Dean! It is never a good day to die, especially for you!

Dean Grey said...

naturgesetz!

Yes, expressing those thoughts helps me gain some control over them.

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Marky!

Happy Belated Birthday to your mom, Mark!

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Randuwa!

Wow, that sounds so intense, Randy.

I can't tell you how many times I prayed for a noticeable, life-changing moment in my life. For some real clarity and direction.

One day perhaps.....

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Ask the Cool Cookie!

Oh, I know suicide is a very selfish act. I contemplate how my surviving family will deal with the aftermath all the time.

But, should I live just so they'll be happy?

What about me? If I'm truly unhappy and consistently miserable, shouldn't I have the right to stop that?

Why should I suffer for years and years just so family and friends won't be upset?

At least once I'm gone, I can finally be at peace.

I can see things from your point-of-view though too.

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bK!

I'm trying not to go back to that way of thinking, Brody, but it's hard when I have to deal with life mostly on my own.

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Thanks to all of you for the supportive words!

-Dean

Randuwa said...

Dean,

That is my prayer for you, too. It can happen.

Dean Grey said...

Randuwa!

"It can happen."

I hope so, Randy!

-Dean

stanw said...

Dean, when I was about your age I did contemplate suicide. I thought I had a good plan as to how and where. It was not to be though as a song came into my mind that day way back and suicide was no longer even a blip as I began to sing. Last summer when I visited the city where I lived and remembered the place I shook a little with tears. I am one thankful person I did not carry out my 'plan'.

I am praying you never contemplate it in any way again. You are too important to throw yourself away needlessly. You are loved so much Dean, know that. {{{HUGS}}}

Maggie said...

you have such a beautiful soul. your loss would TRUELY be a tragedy.

Dean Grey said...

Stan!

You are such a sweet man, Stan!

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Maggie!

That's very kind of you to say!

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I appreciate hearing from the both of you!

-Dean