Exploding Doughnut

It only takes a moment.....

2012-01-28T15:45:00.022-06:00

"He held me for an instant

But his arms felt safe and strong

It only takes a moment

To be loved a whole life long."

He used to leave singing voicemails on my phone.

He'd call me "sweets", "babycakes", "babydoll", and "sweetcheeks" (he's a goofball like that).

I'd get cutesy texts throughout the day, everyday from him.

I miss it. Terribly. But that's all over now.

When I'm alone....and lonely, my mind wanders back to what we had.

Those quiet times during the day when I'd normally hear from him are now more noticeable. The nights are especially hard too and every time I see a full moon I think of the Neko Case song he sang to me.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Although I mourn the loss of what could've been, I'm still quite grateful to have had those five months with him, no matter how short-lived.

"And this is all

That love's about

And we'll recall when time runs out

That it only took a moment

To be loved a whole life long!"

Happy Anniversary...

2012-01-22T21:48:00.010-06:00

...to my blog which turns THREE today.

It's allowed me to connect with some wonderful people and saved me on more than one occasion.

A place to create, express, vent, and share. I'm so grateful to have it and all of you in my life right now.

Happy Birthday, Exploding Doughnut!

*mwah!*

Buying myself flowers....like always.

2012-01-18T01:23:00.011-06:00

Now that I'm working 30 hours (or less) a week, I should be saving more but my saddened heart needed to get these BAD.

3 1/2 dozen snapdragons just for me.

Purples, peaches, yellows, and whites overflowing from slender stalks.

A bit of comfort during this difficult time.

And yet, even if I had the money to buy every last flower in the store it still wouldn't be enough right now.

(((HUGS))), (((HUGS))), and more (((HUGS))) to me.

We failed at love.

2012-01-15T01:01:00.015-06:00

If you asked me a couple months back, I'd tell you I secretly planned on moving to Kentucky sometime late spring or early summer of this year to be closer to my newly appointed boyfriend.

But all of that has changed now.

We talked on the phone for a long time last week and both decided it would be easier on him if we were "just friends".

While I understood where he was coming from, I still believe we could've made it work if we tried harder and fought for it.

We both love and care for each other but I don't know what else to do.

If he pulls back and feels we're not as compatible as we once were, what choice do I have but to honor that? After all, it takes two people for a relationship to succeed, not one.

Little indicators along the way made me question if his feelings were changing but I assumed it was part of the progression from courting--a cutesy type of affection--to a quieter and deeper love....or maybe I just didn't want to accept that things weren't going well.

When all is said and done, we didn't see it through all the way.

We gave up and ended it.

And I can't help feeling like we failed at love.

Wordless Wednesday - Monroe Harbor in the morning.

2012-01-11T14:32:00.006-06:00

Fun with cats!

2012-01-07T22:49:00.008-06:00

They stare at me every morning during work.

Those big eyes, tiny noses, and innocent furry faces.

At times I swear I could hear meowing.

I'll often mention not liking the arts-and-crafts store I work at. To add insult to injury, adorning the wall of my workspace is a calendar (NOT picked out by me) of cats.

Even though I was always more of a dog person, I certainly have nothing against felines.....however there's only so many cutesy images I can take.

Cats in a bag, kittens on a pillow, cats sleeping.

It was starting to get on my nerves. So sickeningly sweet!

Having a drawer full of markers at my disposal, I couldn't help myself.

Throughout this past year, month by month, I'd "enhance" each calendar image. It's my one real joy at that job and perhaps it's my way of saying, enough with the cute cats!

Here are some of my favorites.....

French cats!

Strange cats!

Hipster cat! (I was told this one looked like me)

Punk cat!

Ha--what fun!

Now that the new year started, I had to pick out a new calendar for work. The naughty side of me couldn't resist and I chose "Kittens 2012".

Time to get out the sharpie.

Hee hee hee.

Three becomes two.

2012-01-02T16:05:00.010-06:00

I couldn't help but look down while walking to work that day.

I got there early to clean out the rest of my locker.

This past weekend marked my last day at my city job.

I've known my coworkers for almost five years now and though that job wore me down and depressed me, it still felt like home and I will miss it.

But there's something very fitting about getting laid off at the start of the new year. Letting go of things that weighed me down.

There really was no future there or room to advance. Hopefully when the city recalls us in a year or so, asking if I want my job back, I can tell them no thank you, that I found something much better.

At least I'm still working my two other part-time jobs and now I'll have 20 additional hours each week to draw, catch up on sleep, whatever. Actual days off to do what I like.

Now that I'm down one job I have to make the most of that extra time!

Organizing the year.

2011-12-31T18:45:00.014-06:00

It took many, Many, MANY hyperlinks to create this post and that could only mean one thing.....

It's time for the annual Blog Archive Post!

All of my blogposts for this year have been grouped together in one convenient spot for your easy viewing.

Feel free to take a moment or two to catch up on all that you may have missed.

Let's get started, shall we?

January:

(1-5-11) See you in the mail!

(1-9-11) And grace will lead me home.

(1-14-11) A witness to love.

(1-17-11) Black appreciation.

(1-19-11) Wordless Wednesday - Jones.....

(1-22-11) Two!

(1-25-11) I am a rock.

(1-26-11) Wordless Wednesday - World Gym

February:

(2-1-11) Crumbling into joy.

(2-6-11) Buying myself flowers.

(2-9-11) Wordless Wednesday - Oil slick in the snow

(2-14-11) Red Velvet.....

(2-18-11) It's PLAIN to see.

(2-23-11) Wordless Wednesday - Forgive (On the corner of Canal and Taylor St.)

(2-27-11) Answering my call!

March:

(3-3-11) Changes.

(3-7-11) Cutthroat.

(3-9-11) Wordless Wednesday - Love (Near Clark and Orchard Street)

(3-10-11) Even if for a day.

(3-15-11) Label Whore!

(3-19-11) Doing it wrong.

(3-24-11) For all those who are struggling.....

(3-29-11) Reawakened.

April:

(4-5-11) Heads up!
(4-9-11) Road closed ahead.
(4-12-11) Gotta. Go. Bad!
(4-17-11) Detour.....
(4-23-11) One of these days.....
(4-27-11) What becomes of the broken-hearted?
(4-30-11) Maybe another year.....

May:

(5-4-11) Wordless Wednesday - The Leaping Wall (11th Street and Wabash)
(5-8-11) On my way out.
(5-13-11) Questions and Answers.
(5-17-11) Fallen.
(5-21-11) I was almost in the paper!
(5-25-11) Wordless Wednesday - Alley mural outside "Code Of Conduct - Tattoo & Clothing" (at 11th and State St.)
(5-31-11) To thrive.

June:

(6-5-11) Take a chance on me.
(6-11-11) Leopard ACEO
(6-13-11) Buying myself flowers....again!
(6-20-11) (Photo) Postcard mania!
(6-23-11) There will be other days.....
(6-26-11) I had sent her love.
(6-30-11) Stepping OUT of my comfort zone!

July:

(7-3-11) Bouncing back?
(7-6-11) Somebody to love.
(7-10-11) Sex blood death.
(7-13-11) Wordless Wednesday - Shattered!
(7-20-11) Escape artist.
(7-24-11) Unable to fly.
(7-28-11) Too many bad days.
(7-31-11) Returning to color.....

August:

(8-3-11) Wordless Wednesday - Olive
(8-7-11) I know I'm being a broken record but.....
(8-11-11) Losing Thursdays.
(8-15-11) Somehow, someday, somewhere.
(8-20-11) Weeeeeee!
(8-27-11) I wish I was the moon tonight.....

September:

(9-1-11) Thursdays are mine!
(9-6-11) If flowers could talk.
(9-10-11) Decisions, decisions, decisions.
(9-11-11) Don't forget what good can do.
(9-18-11) Two becomes three.....
(9-24-11) Goodbye to you!

October:

(10-1-11) Lake love.
(10-5-11) I need a vacation!
(10-10-11) I found love in Kentucky.....
(10-12-11) Wordless Wednesday - Lexington, Kentucky (cameo by Sami)
(10-19-11) Wordless Wednesday - Rush hour! (Michigan Ave. and Randolph)
(10-24-11) Drained.
(10-29-11) Paint on the sidewalk.

November:

(11-2-11) Wordless Wednesday - Broken skylight (Metra train terminal at Michigan Ave. and Van Buren)
(11-7-11) Nude on hold.
(11-9-11) Wordless Wednesday - Bump Workers (Near Clark and Lake Street)
(11-15-11) No art.
(11-20-11) Reduction in force.
(11-24-11) We are OPEN!
(11-30-11) Wordless Wednesday - Sullivan Center on State Street (formerly Carson Pirie Scott building)

December:

(12-7-11) Where we left off.....
(12-12-11) My southern honey.
(12-17-11) Lexington through Chicago eyes.
(12-23-11) Ready for it to be over with!
(12-28-11) Wordless Wednesday - Freak (the corner of Congress and Michigan Ave.)
(12-31-11) Organizing the year.

Whew!

Looking back, there were many difficult moments but at least there were some ups to the downs this year. I hope those bright spots will continue for me and ALL OF YOU as the new year starts!

Wordless Wednesday - Freak (the corner of Congress and Michigan Ave.)

2011-12-28T21:23:00.009-06:00

Ready for it to be over with!

2011-12-23T20:53:00.010-06:00

I used to enjoy this time of year. Christmas was my favorite holiday.

Working in BUSY retail has changed that.

Not all, but a lot of the customers at the arts-and-crafts store I work at are very demanding and needy and at times downright rude.

Maybe it's because they're city shoppers instead of slower-paced suburban-folk but there's this sense that I'm paid to help them therefore they don't need to be appreciative when being helped.

Add to the fact that the job is already stressful and tiring and has me working on or around actual holidays, well, it's not fun and it kills the festive mood.

Now putting up the Christmas tree at home becomes one more thing to do. The decorations another chore.

But on a happy note, let me show you what fellow blogger, Randy, made for me.

Currently hanging on the family Christmas tree!

Continuing his handmade ornaments for friends and family, Randy sent me this starfish. Made with colorful fabric, stitched with care, and topped off with a twinkling jewel. Love it!

It'll be a wonderful companion for the seahorse ornament he made for me last year and a reminder that there's still some good left. That December has many facets. Some better than others.

Perhaps deep down there's a part of me that still loves the Christmas season but I'm sooooo ready for it to be over with!

Lexington through Chicago eyes.

2011-12-17T21:24:00.010-06:00

It's hard to capture an ENTIRE city through a handful of photos but I did my best.

Here are some of the pictures I took last week during my trip back to Kentucky.

I wanted to show what looked like "Lexington" to me, or rather, what caught my eye about the city.

Here. We. Go!

Hot Brown, anyone?

It's always nice to start things off with a good meal.

Lexington History Museum

Random street art! Look at all those colors!

Quaint shops just about everywhere.

Glass bottles hanging from a tree on a sleepy Sunday morning.

Horse statues.....

.....and decorated horse sculptures!

Manhole covers are painted in bright patterns here! Love it!

And last but not least, here are my babies:

Edith Ann

Sami

And Harry (he's always getting into trouble!)

Ah, how I miss all of it.

I've only been there twice now--a total of ten days--but it already feels like home.

One day I hope it will be.....

My southern honey.

2011-12-12T23:51:00.015-06:00

It's almost like a dream. Like I never left Chicago.

I'm home now and after getting back from my returning flight this evening, I have to keep telling myself that my time in Lexington was very REAL.

I got to meet my budding boyfriend's coworkers, his friends and members of the community. We explored the city, cooked for each other, and he even taught me how to play pool at a dive bar late into the night!

We still have things we both need to work on but now we can face those things together.

It seems like a world away in Kentucky. A place to escape my troubles for a bit. Nothing else matters when I'm in his arms and just knowing he's waiting for me is enough. No wonder I wish I never left there.

One day--when the time is right--I won't.

Until then, my southern honey.....

Where we left off.....

2011-12-07T23:08:00.010-06:00

When I returned from there I wanted to go back immediately.

It's only been two months but it seems painfully longer.

I miss it there. I miss his cats. I miss him.

Thankfully, I'm using the last of my vacation days before officially being laid off from my city job this month and going to visit him again for five days starting tomorrow.

The hustle and bustle of working this holiday season has made me weary and stressed so the relaxed pace of Lexington sounds perfect right about now.

And even though what we have is still in its nascency, it'll be nice to seem him in person again.

To kiss, to find life in each other's eyes....to continue where we left off.

Wordless Wednesday - Sullivan Center on State Street (formerly Carson Pirie Scott building)

2011-11-30T22:59:00.011-06:00

We are OPEN!

2011-11-24T04:04:00.019-06:00

The arts-and-crafts store I work for is run by corporate devils.

Driving sales and boosting profits are all they talk about. Their needs and gains are their only concern.

They push product for holidays SEVERAL months in advance just to squeeze out every dime they can.

Tradition, sacredness, and time spent with families aren't things they believe in hence why I have to work there today.

Uggh!!

I am NOT pleased.

Do people really need to buy glue guns or glitter (maybe) or beads that badly today of all days? Really?

I want to be home on this day. Away from work, eating good food, and relaxing.

But I'll go in with a smile on my face and do my job like always.

It makes me wonder though, if by continuing to work for such a greedy, cutthroat company aren't I just as bad?

I need the money though.

Funny, I bet "Corporate" says the same thing.

*sigh*

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone....at least to those that aren't working today!

Reduction in force.

2011-11-20T22:42:00.015-06:00

Everyone knew it was coming but the news still left me disappointed and sad and not feeling like doing very much.

Earlier in the week, HR informed hundreds of us in our city department that due to our new mayor's budget cuts we were being laid off at the end of the year.

My layoff notice which I decorated with a yellow butterfly!

This'll be my second time getting laid off so I'm sort of used to it.

Yet as I walked to work today I couldn't help but hang my head.

The city job wears me down a lot and I've always intended on leaving there in time but I wanted to go on my terms NOT theirs.

And when I found out I'm working at the arts-and-crafts store on Thanksgiving Day, I wondered why I couldn't have lost that job and kept the city one instead.

Darn.

But I try reminding myself even though over a third of my income will now be lost, I'm fortunate enough to still be working elsewhere. Not many can say that.

Maybe it's God's way of telling me I need to lessen my workload.

*shrugs shoulders*

No art.

2011-11-15T23:56:00.008-06:00

I wish I could say I'm working on the most AMAZING painting. Filled with every color imaginable. Texture and shape and form that dazzles the eye and makes your heart skip a beat.

But no. There isn't time for that.

I'm too tired from working so much. It's just not possible right now.

So my apologies, dear readers. I feel like I'm letting all of you down by not posting anything of artistic value here.

One day, I hope, I can immerse myself back into my art.

Wordless Wednesday - Bump Workers (Near Clark and Lake Street)

2011-11-09T23:49:00.006-06:00

Nude on hold.

2011-11-07T23:56:00.010-06:00

Fuckity-fuck and super shit!

It was supposed to be a companion piece to "Blood Butterfly".

A nude which I started SEVERAL months back but then with work and all, tucked away and never finished.

Here's the drawing I did for it back in July.....

Pencil on watercolor paper - 5" x 7"

I hate putting off paintings like this because now my original inspiration is long gone and I'm not sure I can get it back.

Oh well. I'll add it to my growing list of art projects that need to get done.

*sigh*

Wordless Wednesday - Broken skylight (Metra train terminal at Michigan Ave. and Van Buren)

2011-11-02T23:48:00.004-05:00

Paint on the sidewalk.

2011-10-29T15:26:00.021-05:00

They were just smudges really. Forgotten blobs of color that no one would notice. Except me.

With a bit of time to kill before work, I wanted to go see Buckingham Fountain now that it'd been turned off and drained for the coming winter.

Just steps away from the fountain, I found bits of paint on the pavement.

My heart skipped a beat. It had been so long since I painted now that I'm working all the time.

It was much more to me than paint on the sidewalk. It represented freedom, spontaneity, creativity.

Was it leftover remnants of an artist's messy plein air session or a deliberate attempt to paint a pattern on the ground for all to see? A magical sword, a rainbow feather, or something else entirely?

I'll never really know.

But I do know I miss creating art. How I long for it to be an everyday part of my life.

Sometimes I wonder if one's artistic passion eventually dies after not being used or does it just get buried deep enough that it becomes forgotten?

I guess I'll learn the answer to that firsthand.

Maybe one day the artist in me will be gone and the next time I see a sight like this it'll just be paint on the sidewalk.

Drained.

2011-10-24T21:33:00.016-05:00

It finally caught up with me.

I wasn't sure how much longer I could keep this up and now I found out.

Becoming terribly sick this weekend, I had to call off work today.

Watercolors in Moleskine journal - (NFS)

I've been working three part-time jobs for the past several weeks--sometimes all in one day--and I'm TIRED.

Half the time I don't know what day it is or if I'm coming or going. Yet I always manage to smile it off at work, hiding the weariness that's underneath.

Often I'm sleep-deprived....some days getting less than 5-6 hours bed rest, leaving me with a constant ache and heaviness in my body.

To start the day already depleted does not feel good.

But I must keep going.

I'll need that money so when I'm finally on my own I never have to go back to family. And with talks of layoffs to city workers again I dare not give up any job until I know which ones are certain.

New love is the only thing keeping me going right now otherwise I'd have succumbed a while back.

No matter how drained I may be I keep telling myself one day I shall be FREE!

Wordless Wednesday - Rush hour! (Michigan Ave. and Randolph)

2011-10-19T23:51:00.003-05:00

Wordless Wednesday - Lexington, Kentucky (cameo by Sami)

2011-10-12T23:50:00.004-05:00

I found love in Kentucky.....

2011-10-10T23:59:00.005-05:00

I got home from my trip last night.

I'm back in Chicago now but wish I was still in Kentucky.

I think the title of this post says it all.

*deep sigh*

I need a vacation!

2011-10-05T01:46:00.002-05:00

I've been working non-stop for the past year--never calling off from any of my jobs, leaving me emotionally and physically drained.

I could use a break from my mundane routine. A chance to forget about work for once and explore someplace new....and I decided to do just that!

The last time I left Chicago was nine years ago for a failed trip to Ireland (long story).

This time around I'm heading to the Bluegrass State for the next five days.

Kentucky here I come!

I'm excited and nervous and everything in between. Going on vacation feels so foreign to me. This is such a big step out of my comfort zone but I wanted to try.

Hopefully I get some much needed rest and relaxation. But also to see the sights, have F-U-N, and make friends along the way.

And who knows, maybe I'll even find love there.

To be continued.....

Lake love.

2011-10-01T19:32:00.008-05:00

"A lake carries you into recesses of feeling otherwise impenetrable."

--William Wordsworth

I watched gray skies pelt the lake with rain while choppy waves drew me closer. Chilled winds called to me like a lover, whispering their sweet nothings on billowy clouds.

I'm so blessed to work less than four blocks from the Chicago Lakefront.

Majestic skyscrapers behind me and Lake Michigan literally at my feet. I always feel free when I'm there.

It's been such an EXHAUSTING two weeks now that I'm working three jobs. Lots of anxiety meeting so many new people and trying to learn different tasks.

To calm my nerves, I've been going to the lakefront every morning before starting work. To merge with nature for a bit so that I'm grounded and comforted and rejuvenated.

Watching colors and shapes unfold before my eyes--Mother Nature creating a painting for all of Chicago to see....at least for those who stop and notice.

Thankfully it rained almost every day this week. Storm clouds mixed with a clearing sky make for breathtaking views. At times it moved me to tears. Just so very special.

Here are some of my favorite pics taken throughout the past couple weeks.....

Ahh, A good way to start the workday, wouldn't you say?

Maybe one day I'll be able to share this loveliness with someone special instead of always coming here alone.

In time, Dean. In time.....

Goodbye to you!

2011-09-24T21:10:00.014-05:00

Maybe I'm part vampire.

I loathe the sun. The summer heat saps my energy and the humidity makes me nauseous.

When June arrived, I kept telling myself if I can just make it through the next several months I'll be okay. Working multiple jobs and being tired all the time becomes even worse when Chicago summers hit.

It's about a twenty-minute walk to the crafts store I work at and then another 20 minutes from there to my city job. People would give me odd looks (like I was a martian) for wearing my hooded jacket on those 90-degree days to help block out the harsh sunlight.

It was NOT fun!

But that's all changed now. For you see yesterday marked the first day of Autumn.

Gone are the packed trains with families going to every museum. No more youngsters taking over the Loop now that school is back in session. Gone are the concerts, festivals, and parades drawing all those crowds. And the drunk Cubs fans--ugh!--good riddance!

Now when I visit Buckingham Fountain the tourists are mostly gone and I have it all to myself.

No more humidity, intense heat, or burning sun to seek shelter from....and I couldn't be happier!

Bring on those foggy mornings and cool, cloudy days. Gray skies that could rain at any moment.

Ahh, how I LOVE fall weather.....

So here's a little song for you, summer. I won't miss you one bit.

Goodbye to you!

Two becomes three.....

2011-09-18T23:46:00.012-05:00

I must be crazy but I wanted to try. To see if I can handle it.

Last week I mentioned being offered a job at a university downtown and needing to decide which of my current part-time jobs to ditch.

Well.....

I decided to keep all three!!

You see, even though the university job pays more, it's just two nights a week, so by requesting those be my two days off from the crafts store and some slight tweaking with my city job's schedule, I'd only be working two jobs per day.

Three jobs are a lot to take on at once but I think it's doable.

I had to give up Thursdays again and will be working EVERY day from now on once I officially start the college job this week.

There will be very little time for my art but that's just the way it'll be....for now. If it proves to be too much I can easily drop the arts-and-crafts store.

While waiting for my train into the city the other day, I saw a piece of cracked glass on the platform. The splinters reflected the light, almost like a violent spider web.

I felt how that piece of glass looked. It was shattered yet still intact--still functioning.

God willing, I can make it through this new workload....without breaking into multiple pieces!

Don't forget what good can do.

2011-09-11T21:53:00.007-05:00

At first glance I thought it had been vandalized. Upon closer inspection I realized it was anything but.....

I had shown this little garden space, an extension of Columbia College, on a Wordless Wednesday post back in May.

It's been transformed into something special.

Loosely tied to tree branches and metal railings, were strips of fabric with messages written on them, blowing in the wind....like prayer flags, all to commemorate the 10th anniversary of 9/11.

A large banner with markers and blank fabric strips encouraged passersby to share their thoughts, fears, and hopes about that day.

Many of the messages talked about wanting peace, safety for our troops, and their overall experiences of the the event.

"I remember not knowing exactly what was happening," one cloth read, "but realizing it was something BAD."

I found this to be a simple yet very profound art installation.

It wasn't some meaningless still life or abstract painting. Here was art in its BEST form--bringing people together to share parts of themselves. To connect with something far bigger than just you or me. That's what I want for my art too.

On this day it's so easy to focus on all the devastation that occurred 10 years ago. The lives lost, the fear, the chaos that ensued. But we must also remember how our nation came together afterwards, the support, and the countless volunteers that emerged.

The positive things people have done since then like this tribute outside the college.

So before heading off to work earlier this morning, I filled out a fabric strip as well and tied it with the others in the trees.

My message read, "Don't forget what GOOD can do."

Decisions, decisions, decisions.

2011-09-10T21:08:00.010-05:00

I've prayed for so long for something better to come my way--for a chance and this might be it.

I went on a job interview a few weeks ago and was notified yesterday that I got the position!

What exciting news!

It's a clerical position at a well-known college in the heart of the Loop. Literally a block from my city job. So convenient!

It's part-time, just two nights a week but it pays a bit more than my other jobs. Plus I've known two people who've worked there that have advanced up within a year's time, so there's definitely opportunity and room for growth.

Even though it's only 10 hours a week at least my foot is in the door now should something full-time open up.

I'm grateful yet stressed. It's been an overwhelming past couple of days. So much to think about.

Now I have to decide which one of my current jobs to get rid of (if not both). God knows I hate the crafts store yet I'm so tired of the city job too. Both have their pros and cons. I just don't want to make the wrong choice.

My, my, my. Decisions, decisions, decisions.

If flowers could talk.

2011-09-06T00:45:00.025-05:00

They indeed have lives of their own--albeit short ones. From their unique perspective they must've seen it all.

Lately I've been taking pics of flowers in the city for my next batch of photo-postcards and wondered what stories these blooms could tell.

These flowers, like people, are at different stages in their lives. Here are the ones that caught my eye:

This resonated with me the most.

A fallen sunflower, lost and isolated.

Coneflowers, withered and spent now that summer is losing its grip.

Two lone daisies nestled together by a recent rainstorm. One protecting the other.

This flower was gone the next day.

A commanding hibiscus, alone yet independent and growing upward.

A rosebud symbolizing new growth.

Different trials and tribulations to go through. Circumstances to accept and change.

Funny how mother nature can mirror our own lives, wouldn't you say?

Ah, the things we'd learn if flowers could talk.....

Thursdays are mine!

2011-09-01T14:40:00.007-05:00

I got to sleep in today. I never thought I'd say that again.

Three weeks ago I mentioned the store manager at the crafts store I work at insisted I give up my only day off from both jobs.

Well last week the district manager (who oversees several stores) gathered all the associates together and informed us the store manager had been "let go".

Oh, how the tables have turned!

So I simply asked the assistant store manager if I could have my Thursdays back.

"I don't see why that's a problem," she said.

And *poof* Thursdays became my day off once more!

Oh yeah!

It's a bittersweet victory. All of the original managers who were mean to me have either transferred, left, or were fired.

Their replacements have all been much nicer and more helpful.

And yet this week marks a year since I've been working there. My God, a year. I still dislike that job very much. Though it's gotten better it's still very stressful and wears me down A LOT.

I keep hoping that something better comes along but instead time just keeps passing me by.

*exhausted sigh*

I wish I was the moon tonight.....

2011-08-27T19:04:00.008-05:00

"Chimney falls and lovers blaze

Thought that I was young

Now I've freezing hands and bloodless veins

As numb as I've become

I'm so tired

I wish I was the moon tonight

Last night I dreamt I'd forgotten my name

'Cause I sold my soul but I woke just the same

I'm so lonely

I wish I was the moon tonight."

Markers and ink in Moleskine journal - (NFS)

"How will you know if you found me at last?

'Cause I'll be the one, be the one, be the one

With my heart in my lap

I'm so tired, I'm so tired

And I wish I was the moon tonight."

Weeeeeee!

2011-08-20T20:17:00.010-05:00

They make me smile and always seem to arrive in the mail on days when I need them most.

Here's the latest batch of love sent to my P.O. Box by fellow bloggers!

Hooray!

The list includes:

-A magnet

-Postcards

-Greeting cards

-Poetry

-Photographs

-A handwritten letter

-And even a knitted rabbit!

I'm honored and humbled that people would take time out of their busy lives to send and create things for me.

I wish I could make something absolutely brilliant for each and every person in return but with working two jobs that's just not possible. But I WILL get to as many as I can.

So cute, Brody!!

If you'd like to join in on the excitement my address is as follows:

Dean Grey

P.O. Box 804602

Chicago, IL. 60680-4602

Thank you, everybody!

Your thoughtfulness doesn't go unnoticed!

Somehow, someday, somewhere.

2011-08-15T19:46:00.011-05:00

Tragic love story, lives cut short, moving music, and lots of pirouettes!

I went to see the Broadway musical West Side Story this past weekend after work (by myself, naturally). All of the songs are stuck in my head but that's NOT a bad thing.

Even though I thoroughly enjoyed it, it made me wish my name was Maria and that some guy would want to marry me after a big rumble with rival gang members. Okay, you know what I mean.

So you'll have to forgive me, I'm all lovey-dovey at the moment.

*soft sigh*

"There's a place for us

A time and place for us

Hold my hand

And we're halfway there

Hold my hand

And I'll take you there

Somehow

Someday

Somewhere."

Losing Thursdays.

2011-08-11T22:28:00.011-05:00

I sold my artist's soul to the corporate devil but didn't know what else to do. I'm so desperate to be free that I'll endure hell to get to heaven.

Back in the springtime I was demoted to a cashier at the arts-and-crafts store I work for. Several weeks later, the girl who had taken my original position was "let go" and I was asked to "fill in" until the vacancy was filled.

I agreed and have been filling in for almost two months until officially getting my old job back a few weeks ago.

But.....

To keep the position the store manager said I'd have to give up Thursdays--the ONLY day I'm off from both of my jobs.

If I'm not working at one place I'll be at the other. I still may have one or possibly two Sundays off each month if both my work schedules match up but that's about it.

The only way for me to rent my own place and finally become independent from family is to keep both jobs so I consented to giving up Thursdays.

Thursdays were my one day to decompress, to sleep in late, to not think about work.

I'm afraid working every day is going to kill me....quite literally. And I'm not sure when I'll have time for my art anymore but I can't even think about that now.

Now if you'll excuse me, it's been a rough day at work and I need to go to bed to do it all over again tomorrow.

I know I'm being a broken record but.....

2011-08-07T18:08:00.010-05:00

.....I bought myself flowers yet again after work today!

Light purple mums and daisies with mini-carnations in salmon and yellow for pops of color, all nestled in bright green foliage.

I close my eyes, inhale the fragrant blooms, and pretend they're from some AMAZING, talented, brilliant, and handsome man:

Me:. "Why you shouldn't have, honey."

*smiles*

Imaginary guy:. "You're a wonderful man, Dean, and deserve this and SO much more."

Me:. *blushes*

[We passionately kiss]

*drawn-out sigh*

It'll happen one of these days (or years)--I guess.

Hurry up imaginary guy and become real!

Wordless Wednesday - Olive

2011-08-03T00:19:00.002-05:00

Returning to color.....

2011-07-31T12:03:00.016-05:00

After completing "Blood Butterfly" other bloggers suggested I embrace ALL colors again. Ever since, I've been on a quest for every hue not just one.

And so the journey begins.....

With time to kill before work, I wanted to sit by the lakefront.

Look what I found waiting for me.....

What the what?!?

This is definitely new.

Running along the median strip at Congress Pkwy in Grant Park were brightly painted planks and 2x4's.

Of various heights and widths, they were intermixed with the flowers and shrubbery.

Look at all that thick wood!

*blushes*

I found it an odd way to decorate a garden space especially in the heart of the city yet it did add instant color and structure to this narrow patch of green.

Affordable, practical, and unique!

Those cosmos really POP against the lime green coleus and the sky blue boards!

Do you see the ~~Willis~~ Sears Tower?

And if you think about it, the posts do mimic the towering skyline.

Interesting.....

Buckingham Fountain in the distance.....

A winning combination!

I've been having such a rough time and needed something like this.

Thank you, my dear Windy City.

Slowly but surely I'm returning to color.

Too many bad days.

2011-07-28T21:20:00.010-05:00

I had a brief yet poignant discussion with a coworker at the arts-and-crafts store I work at.

We agreed life itself is sacred and should be joyous but that the human element is what can make things miserable.

"You just have to expect there will be horrible days," he said. "Just realize that there'll be good ones too."

"But what happens if I'm having way too many bad days," I asked, "and almost no good ones?"

My coworker replied, "Then you have to look at yourself because something inside you needs to change."

*deep sigh*

It's not looking good, Astro Boy!

While I agree with his response, it left me frustrated with more questions.

What the fuck am I supposed to be changing?

He implied I should alter my perspective on things yet that doesn't change the circumstances. Isn't it more or less a temporary band-aid over a gaping wound? Simply masking the problems instead of getting rid of them?

When all is said and done, I still have to deal with the reality of things. And I'm SO TIRED of having too many bad days!

Unable to fly.

2011-07-24T17:55:00.016-05:00

With damaged wings, its chance for freedom breaks off into colorful bits.

Desperate to escape and not sure where to turn to.

Ah, I can understand that.

There's an art fundraiser this weekend to raise awareness/money to combat human trafficking in Chicago and abroad. Here's the painting I created and donated for the charity event.

"Unable to fly"

Acrylic paint on gessoboard - 6" x 6" (NFS)

:::: Close-up detail ::::

I've always associated butterflies with a beautiful kind of freedom so it seemed appropriate here. One of the people behind the event said the painting captured what the fundraiser was all about.

Unfortunately there's a flat fee of $30 at the door which guarantees each attendee a work of art to take home with them. I do believe this could've fetched a much higher price but it's their rules not mine. Perhaps those that see the painting will be moved to donate more to this important cause.

And while I've never been a victim of human trafficking, I think I can relate to what they must be feeling.

Isolated, broken, and like this butterfly....unable to fly.

Escape artist.

2011-07-20T06:01:00.007-05:00

Escape - v. To break loose from confinement; get free.

It feels like I'm running on a gigantic hamster wheel. Going faster and faster thinking, Maybe if I keep pushing a little more but I end up exhausted, in circles, literally right where I started.

I go to work at the arts-and-crafts store in the morning and think, At least I can get away from the house for a bit. Afterwards, as I start my city job I tell myself, At least I can get away from the crafts store for a while. And then when I get home I think, At least I can get away from my city job for today.

And so it goes, day after day. Escaping one depressing situation only to enter another. A never-ending cycle. It can be hellish at times and difficult not having any foreseable way out of it.

Sometimes it feels like death is the only means of escape.

This must change. Something good needs to come my way SOON.

My soul screams to be free....one way or another.

Wordless Wednesday - Shattered!

2011-07-13T23:54:00.004-05:00

Sex blood death.

2011-07-10T16:39:00.015-05:00

To me green represents nature and growth....a calming energy.

It used to be my favorite color (specifically a rich, medium green with blue in it) and deep down I'm certain it still is.

But lately I've been drawn to red. An intense, deep scarlet.

It makes me think of blood which not only signifies life but the loss of life too.

On those all too often despondent days, I keep fixating on slitting my throat and wrists, visualizing all the red gushing forth. A very violent flow of crimson.

Red has also been associated with heated passion. And since I'm so sexually repressed, I see that color as an excitable, raw love.

It's a color known to represent rage as well. At times I feel a deep frustration from within waiting to EXPLODE.

Here's a painting I completed this weekend just trying to get it all out.....

"Blood Butterfly"

Watercolors and ink on watercolor paper - 6" x 6" (SOLD)

Is it normal to switch a lifetime-long favorite color for another? Is going from green to red a sign I'm changing? Is it a temporary thing or a permanent change?

Is changing colors mimicking the despair I'm feeling?

Your guess is as good as mine.....

Somebody to love.

2011-07-06T09:43:00.020-05:00

"Can anybody find me somebody to love?

Each morning I get up I die a little

Can't barely stand on my feet

(Take a look at yourself) Take a look in the mirror (In the mirror) and cry (And I cry)

Lord what you're doing to me? (Yeah, yeah)

I have spent all my years in believing you (Ooh, believing you)

But I just can't get no relief, Lord!

Somebody, (Somebody), ooh somebody (Somebody)

Can anybody find me somebody to love?"

It must be nice....no, it must be wonderful holding someone else's hand. Having them give you soft kisses, caressing your face, and holding you tightly when you need it most.

It's been so very long I no longer remember.

*deep sigh*

Now seeing couples and families walking around the city are a painful reminder just how single I am.

How I long to be in a relationship so very badly. At times it hurts and can be quite frustrating.

For instance, I saw a masculine gay couple on the train the other day.

They were near my age, both incredibly attractive. One lean and athletic, the other built and insanely muscular (my exact type).

I watched them lock eyes and smile at each other.

I wondered how they met. How long they've been together and if I'll ever meet someone like that.

Don't I deserve to have that too?

I had to close my eyes and take a deep breath to prevent myself from crying on the ride home.

"I work (He works hard) every day of my life

I work 'til I ache my bones

At the end (At the end of the day) I take home (Goes home) my hard earned pay all on my own

(Goes home on his own)

I get down (Down) on my knees (Knees) and I start to pray (Praise the Lord)

'Til the tears run down from my eyes, Lord (Ooh, Lord)

Somebody (Somebody), ooh somebody (Please)

Can anybody find me somebody to love?"

Sometimes I wonder if it's God's way of telling me I'm supposed to be alone for whatever reason at this stage of my life. It's not like I've had any offers though.

At this point I've had to lower my standards so much that I'll settle for a guy that's still breathing. Beggars can't be choosers and I'll take whatever crumbs I can get.

Will I ever meet someone that will love me for me, faults and all, and still stick around?

How much longer must I wait? Will it be years? Decades even? I hope I'm long dead if that's the case.

This heart of mine ACHES for somebody to love! Only in my daydreams I guess.....

"Ooh - somebody to love

(Find me somebody to love)

Ooh

(Find me somebody to love)

Find me, find me, find me somebody to love

(Find me somebody to love)

Anybody, anywhere, anybody find me somebody to love love love!

Find me, find me, find me love."

Bouncing back?

2011-07-03T17:23:00.009-05:00

She clumsily tried quoting scripture to her friend while riding my train home yesterday. And she appeared to be slightly stoned.

I overheard this girl say, "People always bounce back, at least where they were, or even better."

Even in her "impaired" state, what she said made sense and sounded nice but I wonder if it's true for everyone.

I never knew my life could be so consistently terrible.

To be tired and unmotivated most of the time. Working two dead-end jobs that I can't seem to escape from. Depressed and so very alone.

What if that girl on the train was wrong?

What if I can't bounce back and instead continue to sink?

Everything I'm trying doesn't seem to pan out and I don't know what else to do at this point.

I can't imagine things getting even worse yet I fear they will.

Please bear with me. These are the thoughts festering in my head at the moment.....

Stepping OUT of my comfort zone!

2011-06-30T21:50:00.018-05:00

They were cheering at us. The screams were deafening at times. They waved rainbow flags in the HOT sun. I'm talking about this year's Chicago Pride Parade....and I was in it!

The city department I work for was marching in this year's gay pride parade and I signed up to take part this past weekend. Me! ME!

I didn't want fear to keep me from getting out there and quite honestly who knows if I'll even be alive next year so I wanted to try while I had the chance. Not many can say they were actually IN the parade. So to have such special access was too tempting to pass up.

Before the event kicked off that day, I walked through Boystown to get a feel for what I was getting myself into. It was unusual being outside the barricades watching people reserve their spots when later on I'd be on the inside instead.

The parade route was over 1 1/2 hours of walking and when it finally began at noon I was in total survival mode.

You have to understand that I have major issues with crowds and I loathe sunny weather. Well there were people EVERYWHERE and the sun was out! But I did it anyway (with help from my sunblock spf 100).

It was so hard for me being around so many people but as my department walked through the procession I made it a point to wave and smile and make eye contact with everyone I could.

Thankfully out of the 25 of us, five were really outgoing and got the crowd revved up as we went by so it made it easier to engage the spectators when they so openly engaged us.

My anxiety levels were through the roof but overall this unique experience was more exciting than depressing.

I was quite disappointed I didn't meet anyone though. Everybody was either already paired up or part of a group. If I can't even meet ONE person at an event with hundreds of thousands of gays what chance do I have in my everyday, boring life? I fear I may be doomed to be alone and unloved forever.

But I understand. I would pass myself up too. Many times over. And it's difficult when you don't have any friends outside of work and have to do these types of things solo.

After my coworkers reached the end of the parade and slowly dispersed, I just wanted to go home, rest up, and cry a bit. It had been such a long day. Sensory overload for sure.

Would I have liked for things to turn out differently? Sure. Could I have been more outgoing with the crowd? Yes.

But I keep telling myself that I did really good this past Sunday. I stepped out of my comfort zone big-time and made it through intact. And maybe that's a good place to start.

I had sent her love.

2011-06-26T20:35:00.010-05:00

It was a couple months after he was diagnosed with stage IV colon cancer. His health was still good at that point.

We were watching TV together when the topic of love came up.

"Love comes in many forms," my uncle said, a bit distracted by the television, "but that's okay because they're all TRUE."

Today marks the one-year anniversary of my uncle's death and I know it'll be on my aunt's mind.

After my uncle passed, I continued helping my aunt as often as I could. But shortly thereafter I got hired at the arts-and-crafts store and was recalled by my city job after that.

I went from spending the night once a week, seeing my aunt most of the time, to maybe seeing her once a month, if that, when my work schedules would allow.

Thankfully my brothers and mom have kept her busy. Perhaps it's for the best because I think I remind my aunt of all the chemo visits, bloodwork, doctor's appointments, etc. that the three of us went through (a role the rest of the family never really experienced).

Even still, I'm sure this day will bring my aunt down so I wanted to send something colorful to cheer her up. Some Mail Art to lift her spirits and support her on this difficult day.

This is what I mailed.....

Speciality papers on archival backing board - 4 3/4" x 5 1/2" (NFS)

Similar to the hearts I sent out to bloggers last year, this one is slightly bigger in scale.

Backing board was cut into the shape of a heart (I was inspired by the one I saw two weeks ago). Next, decorative papers were cut into a variety of widths, glued down, then trimmed revealing the heart shape again.

Finally, the entire edge was lined with shimmering red glitter! Why not, I say!

The address side!

I'm happy to report that my aunt has been adjusting well this past year (or at least appears to be) though I'm certain she still misses my uncle terribly.

I feel bad not being there for her as much as I did in the past. And yet, even though I won't get to see my aunt today, I smiled, for through my Mail Art I had sent her love.....

There will be other days.....

2011-06-23T20:33:00.008-05:00

After a bout of terribly sunny, warm weather here in Chicago, today was right up my alley:. upper 60's, storm clouds everywhere, and occasional light rain.

But I did NOT go out to enjoy it. It's been a very draining week for me mentally and physically--feeling very alone, sad, worn out, and disappointed.

I just wanted to stay in on my day off and hide from the world....and I do think that is okay.

At least I got some rest and a couple art projects done since the house finally cooled down.

Later this evening I stepped out into the backyard for several minutes just to see what I had missed.

Tonight's impressive scene from the yard

I watched sky blues unsuccessfully try to overtake deep grays while cool winds tickled treetops.

It was just enough. I don't think I could've enjoyed anymore right now if I tried.

I keep telling myself there will be other days, Dean. There will be other days.....

(Photo) Postcard mania!

2011-06-20T19:31:00.018-05:00

Recently I read about taking your 4" x 6" photographs and adhering them to an adhesive backing, making them sturdier and mailable....essentially turning them into one-of-a-kind postcards!

Oooooh!

So I went ahead and bought some blank postcard backings online to try it for myself!

I mailed out all of these!

The nice thing is the postcard backings have preprinted lines on the address-side as well as a divider space for a personalized message. Very professional looking.

All the work is done for you. Just peel off the covering to expose the adhesive side, stick it onto the back of your photo, trim the excess, and --poof!-- instant postcards!

It was so much fun using pictures I had taken around Chicago these past couple months. Some of my favorites include:

The horse sculpture in front of The Chicago Stock Exchange

Fountain of the Great Lakes (next to the Art Institute)

Tulips blooming early last month along Michigan Avenue

Random reds!

Garbage cans near Congress and Columbus Drive (love that blue!)

Originally I thought I'd just do several of these. So far 25 have been mailed out! I loved these so much I'm going to order 100 more blank backings!

The photo-postcards were given to some of the people who've sent things to my P.O. Box.

If you'd like to possibly receive something from me just send ANYTHING(!) my way:

Dean Grey

P.O. Box 804602

Chicago, IL. 60680-4602

Now time to take some more pictures!

Buying myself flowers....again!

2011-06-13T20:16:00.011-05:00

There's still no special someone in my life to get them for me so it looks like I'll have to do the job myself....again.

I shopped for flowers after work yesterday.

Among the peonies, roses, and lilies, I decided on some bold-colored gerber daisies.

MAGNIFICENT!!

Gorgeous reds, warm oranges, sunny yellows, soft pinks, and delicate creams.

Two dozen full blooms with a peppery fragrance.

Mmmmmm.........

Love that deep red!

How could you not like these?

And while walking through the underground terminal to catch my train home, I spotted this heart scrawled in permanent marker.

*heavy sigh*

I needed these flowers in the worst way right now.

(((HUGS))) to me.....

Leopard ACEO

2011-06-11T21:42:00.011-05:00

Pen and ink on bristol paper - 2 1/2" x 3 1/2" (NFS)

I haven't done one of these in about a year-and-a-half.

This leopard ACEO was finished a couple months ago but being unsure what to do with it I just stored it away.

And then recently I decided it'd make a nice giveaway to one of those who've sent something to my P.O. Box.

Out of all the bloggers who've mailed me things it seemed appropriate to give to Nikki.

The leopard looks determined, focused, and steadfast....like a person of faith. And I know God is an important part of Nikki's life.

Nikki not only started basic training earlier this week but both her parents are experiencing medical issues too. Perhaps this little art card could be taken along wherever military life may lead, reminding her that there's an online community rooting for her.

So please keep this young lady and her family in your thoughts and prayers.

Godspeed Nikki!